Handsome Husband and I are supposed to be traveling around and having fun, yes? And we are! Driving, traveling, exploring, adventuring, loving, growing more in love-and yet, how quickly the brakes can go on-a sharp halt that snaps you to attention, then a stomp down on the accelerator that takes you, mentally, from 0-60 in less time than you can imagine. That is where my mind is now-or is it my heart?
So, here’s the bottom line, which is where I start (much like how I always read a novel last page first to judge whether or not I like the ending, which will decide for me whether I read the book or not). Handsome Husband arrived here from Oregon, sporting a large lump on the underside of his wrist. Over the last couple weeks, we’ve gone through the drill of getting MRI’s, figuring that once the results were in, the dr would do surgery to remove it. Today, we went to his appt, thinking it would be a fairly quick office visit for it to be taken care of. I went well prepared with a book to read while I waited it out, but he came out after a very brief time, telling me the dr had been unable to do anything, and was sending him to Philly to have a consult, and have surgery there. It wasn’t until we got in the car that he told me the bottom line, which is the point where my mind went from the aforementioned 0-60. Yes, it might be cancer. A giant cell tumor. He told me everything he could, and I genuinely attempted to listen and hear, but all I was focused on was that horrible word. Dear world, please excuse me for wanting to throw up at just hearing the word and not paying as much attention as I shoulda, coulda, and wished I woulda. In my world, people most often die from cancer. I wanted to throw up when he even said the word. We are going through the process of insurance, getting pre-certified, the whole nine yards, the stuff of life. Appointments will be made as quickly and as soon as possible. Nothing else matters.
Taking this moment to say thank god I’m a Gemini-there is a part of me that is completely riddled with anxiety, leaping ahead (and as Handsome Husband wryly said to me “already getting him cremated”.) I want to throw up, I want to scream my fear. And, internally, that part is indeed screaming out against it all. Seriously, though, the last thing I need is for my beloved husband to be concerned about me at the moment (even though I know he is.) And he was very happy that I immediately called and texted my angel sisters here in NJ, my community. The person I was years ago wouldn’t have done that, not wanting to impose my concerns on anyone else. But I will no longer go through things like this on my own, it is needless and unnecessary to do that. And it made him feel better for me, so it is a win-win.
The other part of me is the part that is good in emergencies. Very calm, cool and collected. It will not assume the worst, and, even if it does end up being cancer, it is one, I’m sure, that can be removed, and it will be done with. That’s how I explained it to Handsome, so that he would have an understanding when I every so often ping off the walls (as if he wouldn’t already know, after so many years of marriage!)
Life continues to happen, no matter how you are living your life. This is the “now” part-but there will also be an “after this” part. And I am tempted to wish this now time away, but it is also time with my beloved, and I am not going to spend the time waiting for appts and insurance in being doleful and figuratively wearing black. Now is all the more reason to seize our joys and grab at life in every way we can, as we have been doing for the past 19 months.
In the meanwhile, any and all prayers, in whatever way you may happen to pray, are more than welcome. Chanting, lighting incense, kowtowing to whomever needs to be kowtowed to, all these are acceptable-