my brain seemingly on steroids-but who needs them?

My brain, last night (try to keep up here, it moved much faster than my typing will indicate):

Having taken a mucinex to help my irritating cough, which will not go away, at the early hour of 3 AM, I have medicine head,  waking up with the thought that I’d missed my sister’s birthday and I was off and running, mentally-how can I have forgotten to call her, I thought about it constantly the day before, but my brain is so fogged (hand touches hair) my hair is in such bad shape in spite of the fact that I just got it cut/styled maybe because I’m stressed and my hair is stressed too and is showing it I might as well get up and read (get up and read  a book about a Holocaust survivor) you know, maybe its better I don’t read this book right now even though its so beautifully written pick up another book and start only its about a soldier who was wounded in WW2 better not read this one anyway I’m tired, go back to bed and the thoughts really take off (and the tears follow) i can’t believe this whole cancer thing is going on Wilson looks horrible I have to stop judging all my reactions and just BE I need to figure out how to pray maybe I should just ask someone to pray for me to learn how to pray I need to let go  this isn’t life-threatening so what am I so shook up about just stop and admit it Alison this whole fucking thing is horrifying last night when you were massaging his hand  wrist and arm-the whole thing is the consistency of rubber for christ’s sake and there is an odor to it and it is blistering and ulcerated and it isn’t wimpy to admit that to yourself and you know now how you are going to die its going to be a heart attack because in a couple one person gets cancer and the other dies of a heart attack and you’ve put on weight, especially around your waist and that’s a danger sign they say so now you know how you’re going to die you really need to lose weight but you don’t even feel like eating anyways, and you’re not eating junk and crap like you were when this all started, so that’s good but you know the first night Handsome Husband is in the hospital you’re going to set yourself up with nothing but junk to get you through it and god he’s going to be a whole week in the hospital and you’ll be going in every day are you going to take the train or drive this is horrifying you really need to be more spiritual and find a place of calm and serenity for your own sake and isn’t that what everyone does that you read about they find this whole spiritually based center in their heart and it helps them yet you feel like an absolute mess but you are the kind of person who just deals with things and you face your fears and get on with it you need to get that arnica to have plenty of it while Handsome’s in hospital but there isn’t going to be time today and you have to get to the library and you need to exercise as a stress buster and you need to be healthy so you can do what’s needed for Handsome and you don’t want to worry him with your falling apart but you’re okay with falling apart and you want to be honest with him anyways and god I’m so tired I need to sleep and the tears come from way down deep and you’re not feeling sorry for yourself you’re just finally admitting to yourself that this whole fucking cancer thing sucks the big one and its overwhelming and thank god it isn’t life-threatening because you’d be a basket case and you can’t give in to this stuff and its going to be alright and…
     This all takes place within my brain within minutes…at the speed of  “The Orange Blossom Special” by Johnny Cash…


2 thoughts on “my brain seemingly on steroids-but who needs them?

  1. Thank you my friend. You and me have a lot in common. I myself am about to have a nervous breakdown over what keeps being referred to as a 'simple laparoscopic procedure'. And yet the thought of having someone cut into me and remove an organ makes me squirm. I feel you sister. I am a crazy lunatic in my own head and feel the ulcer or heart attack getting ready to form. Isn't this when we say 'one day at a time' or something. I hear the serenity prayer in the background yet can't seem to grasp the words. Isn't it like us to make mountains out of mole hills. You are in my thoughts and prayers always. Thanks for the reminder that I am not alone. I've forgotten how insane I can sound in my own head. I love you Alison. Hang in there.

  2. I have been through this more times than I care to remember, my Mom twice, my Dad, both grandmothers…. What you are going through is perfectly normal. There is so much out there to help he patient deal with what they are going through and that is awesome but most people usually forget about the other family members who are dealing with a loved one with cancer but also doing while trying to be strong. Every time I went through this I gained weight which is very difficult to lose, and stressed so much I usually ended up sick when they got better. Hang in there and try to relax and it is not a bad thing if you can not deal with Wilson. I never could either.

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