"Shakiest Hands…"

I wish I could have a sense of humor all the time, but there are those small moments where, try as I might, instead of humor,  I head for meltdown.
My husband is definitely recovering from all the surgeries, and I am supremely happy for that.  Grateful, too.  All those good, positive words. And, yes, it could have been soooo much worse.  Every so often, I am reminded that we are still dealing with two major surgical sites, with all the accompanying concerns for keeping things sterile, and having to re-invent ways to deal with things as things change.

I am fairly confident in what I’m doing with changing bandages these days-I’ve come a long way from when it all started.  Still, I am a most reluctant nurse (in that I was called to this unwillingly (cancer), and am not medically inclined).   Those moments happen, however, when unexpectedly, I end up hurting this man I love so much, physically, in a way that, I’m sure, sends pain shooting up through his arm, or, I don’t know, amassing in that one particular area.  Such happened this morning as I was winding the bandage around the site where Wilson formerly resided.  There are still staples in that area, and they are the one sticking point that will give him pain.  And, of course unintentionally, my hand touched (didn’t even hit, but touched) that area.  And sent him into spasms of pain, and me into immediate tears.  God, I feel like such a wuss that I can’t just apologize and brush it off, but my body seems to be responding with a mind of its’ own, and his understood reaction to that pain, and my reaction to his reaction seemed to trigger major hot flashes in me, followed by an adrenalin rush through my system, and tears followed that I just couldn’t seem to get a handle on.  Think Don Knotts in “Shakiest Hands in the West” and make it me, unable to keep my hands still once I recover, continuing to wrap the wrist, and then gauzing his leg…. Maybe its’ just a bad day-I don’t know anymore.  I just want this fucking cancer, and all its’ subsequent surgeries, done with.  I want our lives back (though I know they will never be the same).  I want done with bleeding and oozing and wrapping bandages, and gauze and tape, and bulging skin and veins and being so afraid of hurting this man in some way, always unintentionally, but causing pain, because how can it not, given what his body has had to go through, and what it feels like as a result? I want to see him walking with confidence, using his hand freely, not having to keep it raised because of the fucking swelling, not having to protect his forearm lest something strike it.  I want him to be able to freely put both arms around me again, to dance, to be free in our lives again.  I could write a whole page of “fuckingcancerfuckingcancerfuckingcancer” ad nauseum, and it will still never even start to express this feeling inside of me.  Yes, I’m grateful, yes, we struck it lucky that at least it was this and not that and every other thing that it could have been that would have ended up with me being a widow.  I am, I am, I am.  And, at the same time, and very unattractively, I am pissed, and upset, and just want this done…
We will now return to regularly scheduled programming…


5 thoughts on “"Shakiest Hands…"

  1. (((Hugs))) to you Alison. You have every right to feel the way you do. Yes, you got lucky, but no matter how you put it, it is/was still cancer and cancer sucks!!! It's normal to want your life back and I pray that you get your life back very, very soon!

  2. Thinking of you and Chuck and keeping you in my prayers. I shudder to think of what you two are going through! Yes, cancer sucks….big time!!! Hope things get back to normal for you real soon!Don't understand Profile stuff so I went under anonymous…..Susan St. John/daughter of Betty and sister of Bruce.

  3. Pain, bandages, staples, gauze, stress, adrenalin, etc. etc. are all reminders that cancer has been beat. A victory story! Keep on truckin'…. You are doing a GREAT job forging through. Don't be so hard on yourself and don't give cancer one minute more of your attention. You have kicked it in it's teeth and sent it packing. Continue to show it the stuff you are made of. In the meantime those of us who care will continue to encourage and pray. Thanks for being so "real" in your blogging and for sharing. That in itself takes courage. ((HUG)) Karen Cook (I couldn't post other than anonymous too)

  4. You have a right to be emotionally drained with the roller coasters of cancer you've been on all winter. It's ok Alison, thank God things will continue to improve and maybe one day your lives will be back to "normal". Your life will never be the same, however, it will be better. Your appreciation for each other and your love for one another has to be even better than it was before. Hugs and Love Sherry

  5. You don't ever have to explain yourself. It's cancer. Things can always be worse but that is never a reason to feel you must justify your feelings to others. Just feel. Your real friends will just listen.

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