Discharged and highly charged, moments~

Handsome Husband signed the paperwork yesterday to go on hospice care. 483662_4633850525350_15028364_nA moment that was both horrifying and filled with gratitude.  Thank god.  And, ohmygod.  And thank god.  These cancers are blood borne.  Even if one gets treated, there will be more  popping up somewhere else.  So, yes, hospice.  The room was crowded with those who love this man so much.  The hospice rep came in with the sheaf of papers and a not so official pen for, you know, signage purposes.  Doesn’t he kind of look like the President signing a bill into law before handing the official pen to the normal citizen at his side?  Afterwards, we pinky swore.  No regrets.

Transport happened quickly to the hospice inpatient unit a few miles away.  But not before hugs from hospital staff.  In the one week he was in hospital, Handsome Husband, of course, made an impression. 15980_4633853005412_1941846066_nThe transport guys were so kind, so compassionate.  Thank you, transport guys, for treating my husband with care, and hugging me when you left us at hospice, our heads still whirling.  488281_4633853365421_415738860_n

Here we are. We’ve moved from Clusterfuck, USA to Sacred Space, Hospice Village.  My most handsome husband will spend his final days here.  Its’ kind of a standard room, but he doesn’t have  a room-mate. We redecorated with our postcards representing just a few of our Happily Homeless travels.  And, yes, its’ getting the staff talking, and seeing him as more than a number.  Not that they would do that at a hospice.

Things are happening so fast.  Horrific diagnosis.  Tumors everywhere.  Over a two-day period.  Then hospice care.  I’m still in shock.  My husband is going to die.  Probably within a few days at most.  And the thought horrifies me.  So, I’m working on the concept that I don’t want horror.  All of this is impossible.  But I want Handsome Husband to have the most sacred experience here.  I hope for him to be peaceful and surrounded with love from us, his family, and our family and friends around the country.

As for me, I can feel the cracks happening.  But not in a bad way.  I know that this will be a defining moment of my life.  The cracking will allow the beautiful sun in, and who knows what beauty will grow from it?  No, I don’t want to lose this man I love more than my life.  I want him whole and healthy and strong and loving me and protecting me and I want to hike with him, and climb hills with him, and slow dance with him and have my life with him.  It isn’t going to happen.  So I want to open myself up to all of this.  I’ll love him through it and I’ll cry and be angry at cancer and feel horrified and ripped to shreds.  But that’s okay.  Its’ part of the process.

Handsome Husband very likely won’t be in my life next week.  And I’ll look back at this week and think “Wow, last week at this time, my most beloved husband was alive”.  And I’ll be horrified all over again.  I didn’t expect this man to leave me so soon.

He’s going to be okay.  So am I.  So are our kids.  We just have to get through this and we’ll do that because there is so much love.  Keep it coming our way, people.  It matters.

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8 thoughts on “Discharged and highly charged, moments~

  1. O I am so sorry to hear this! You and your family are in my prayers. I can’t believe that it is happening so fast. Give you Handsome Husband hug for me and thank him for helping with TOP. Remember, God want’s him back home, his spirit will live forever.

    Love Maria

    ________________________________

  2. Please tell chuck that he has made the biggest difference in we life we lead. Without him guiding Jon throughout his career we could have had a very different outcome. Jon has always looked to him as the ruler by which he measures himself as an Airman and as a man. Thank him for us. And tell him we still expect to feel his guidance no matter where he is. We love you both and God grant you strength.

  3. Allison,
    I never got to meet you, I am Angie’s mother and I went to school with Chuck. I have been following your post, and I just wanted to tell you how very strong I think all of you are and such a loving family also prayers for all of you. I am glad to know that Chuck is surrounded by so much love and support. Jeannie Richman

  4. Worked with him at McGuire. He was a great guy! I never told him, but I always looked up to him. He has so much to be proud of. I admire you both for doing all that you have done in the years since he was diagnosed. I wish that i could have caught up with you guys when you came to Florida.
    Chuck, it was great knowing you. I am saddened that your time on earth is coming to an end so quickly. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time.

  5. I am in total shock over this news. My family and I pray for you chuck. I have many fond memories when we worked together 20 + years ago. God speed my friend.

  6. Since my Mom Passed last week, I didn’t think I had anymore tears……I was wrong. Say Hi to my Mom, you will like her, I know she will like you old friend!!!

  7. Dear Alison,

    We just read your latest post and our hearts are filled with sadness for both you & Chuck. Please know that our thoughts and prayers are with you at this most difficult time.

    Please keep us posted. If there’s anything we can do, please let us know.

    Your Las Vegas “connections”,

    Ardie & Bev Block

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