Time in real time~

We’re in that impossible time that happens when a loved one is dying.  Time stands still, and yet it doesn’t.  The hours stagger along, the days just fly.  I mumble a prayer of “Let time stand still” and wish at the same time for it to rush by me.  I want to stay here forever, exactly here, with Handsome Husband ill, yes, but everything being managed.  Because if we don’t stop right HERE, then we will be at “just last week he was here and now he isn’t” and that is just too unbearable to contemplate.

I want it to be 4 years from now, when the worst of my pain and grief has happened.  Or I want it to be, oh, I don’t know, one year ago, when things were still okay.  When yes, his cancer had returned but we didn’t know it and we were happily adventuring.  When we were ignorant of this time.

However I wish it to be one or the other, we are here and now and striving to make each moment count.  So much of our time is consumed by cancer management, adjusting pain medications, massaging legs to help the edema, battling fevers, chafing, dryness, changing bedding…the doing of cancer.  But I know, we all know, that we must make these moments count in the most intimate of ways, because Handsome Husband’s life is coming to an end.  There must be moments of connection between he and I, between him and all the people who love him near and far.  Those moments that are emotionally charged and yet kind of ordinary, as the minutiae of life is discussed, or final goodbyes said.

The outpouring of love for this man is staggering.  Not unexpected at all, but staggering nonetheless, because the whole six degrees of separation thing is happening big-time as friends of friends of friends extending further than the eye can see, contact us, telling me what it means to them to see our face book page updates and pictures as we document Handsome Husband’s final part of his earthly travels.  It staggers me and our kids.

These moments.  Stop the clock.  Let the moments stay.  And, at the same time, push the clock hands ahead, faster and faster, because this is unbearable.  This man who has been in my life for 23 years, who has loved me, protected me, stood by me, engineered magic for me, adventured with me, will soon be a closely held memory in my heart.  And I don’t want the memory.  I want the man.  Image

 

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10 thoughts on “Time in real time~

  1. I feel like I am walking right beside you based on my memories of being in this situation. Watching someone who you love prepare to leave this world. At times when my mother would linger in a deep sleep I could physically feel our bond wrap around us both as I sat next to her. I wanted time to stand still, I wanted to hold on., It is an agonizing place to be, it is an enlightening place to be. I remember watching in wonder at how the world continued to go forward, as I sat next to my mom and our worlds were separating. After my sister died my mother commented, “How is it that world keeps going on without Sandy?” I wondered it to, I wonder it still,. In those moments allow the love and prayers that are flowing to you wrap around you both and bring you peace of mind and soul.

  2. Alison, my heart aches for you. I know a lot of people that love each other but I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed a love as strong as what you and Chuck have. It is truly something special. I wish you both peace.

    With love, Melanie

  3. O I am so sorry that such a beautiful persons life is being cut short. You and your family are in my prayers, and I pray the God that he lightens your burden and make the departure for Handsome Husband piece full and pain less.

    Maria Hamary daughter of Sussanna

  4. You love is overwhelming as I read this…it brings tears…and I know there have been many for you and your family…Washington Irving said..”there is a sacredness in tears, they are not the mark of weakness… but of power…they are the messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love”. Your love for your husband is powerful!

  5. I’ve been better at reading your blog than I have at leaving comments, but I just wanted you to know that I really appreciate you opening your heart and sharing the love that you and your Handsome Husband have. You continue to bless so many of us, and I just wanted you to know that I’m sure I’m not the only one out here who’s been quietly laughing and crying with you and learning from you. Sending you so much love right now, Alison…

  6. Rog and I are thinking of Chuck, you and your family! You are all in our prayers!!!

    Love,
    Pam and Rog

  7. Sitting here crying reading about your journey Alison. I feel your pain as my Handsome Hubby has also been sick. I went to elementary, jr. high & high school with Chuck and he was the kindest person in the world. We are sending prayers & love to you and Chuck.

  8. My heart breaks for you and your family as I read this. I totally get everything you said, eerily close to what I felt when my mom was actively dying. Love you!

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