The night and how things change~

Yesterday was a very tough day for Handsome Husband.  Its’ all a matter of perspective when you’re wandering through this No-Mans-Land of cancer and terminal illness.  Having a good day carries a vastly different meaning than it would if he were healthy and vital.  Now having a good day means he sleeps fairly comfortably and the pain levels are tolerable.

What happened to my husband?  How did he disappear from my life so quickly?  A mere month ago he was still himself physically.  For the most part anyways.  Yeah, he was coughing and in pain from what we thought was a pinched nerve, but he was still with me.  Cancer wrecks the body.  And it takes any other aches and pains of daily living and exacerbates them to horrible levels so that they become part of the cancer havoc.  And, not unexpectedly, the focus quickly shifts from well person to person who is in a constant daily battle of comprehending the body’s betrayal, constant adjustment to that one less thing you’re able to do.  Life becomes about your body and sustaining it in whatever capacity you’re able.

Handsome Husband is in quick decline.  He isn’t transitioning yet, he isn’t actively dying.   I think yesterday started it really.  The pain got ahead of him, instead of him getting ahead of the pain.  Breakthrough pain constantly needs to be addressed.  And by personality, he digs his feet in and braces for it, standing against it, rather than treating it.  Lesson learned yesterday, however.  For him that entailed a mental shift too.

Tumors everywhere.  Lymphedema rising up in his body, swelling his feet and legs so that they are no longer recognizable as the feet and legs that carried Handsome Husband on our many hikes.  Swollen upper legs as the tumors grow.  Liquid filling his body, racing towards his heart and lungs.  Tumors filling both lungs, his chest.  Fucking cancer is everywhere it can be.  Handsome Husband is still aware enough, still alert enough, to realize what is happening to his body and the realization that he is powerless to either stop it or do anything to counteract it has to sit heavily on his mind.

Today, here in Palm Desert, California, the weather will be gorgeous again, I’ve no doubt.  Sunny blue skies, maybe a soft breeze.  Flowers are everywhere in every color.  I don’t want my husband to die.  It shreds my heart and soul to pieces that he is going to die.  But, seeing what is happening to him as the cancer destroys his body, I can say that I want him to die, because he is suffering terribly in his body and mind and he deserves more than this.

Whatever Being is out there in the Universe, gods of the sea and sky, gods of the earth and all that is beautiful, gods of all the vast wonders that he and I have spent the last 4 years exploring-yes, you gods, you Beings.  Do this.  Take him.  Relieve him of the suffering.  Free his soul, free his spirit.  End this agony.  Let me have him back as he was, as we were.  I know he’ll be physically gone from my life if you heed my plea.  But that’s okay.  I’m willing to trade his death to have his spirit back with me, as I know it will be.  He’ll travel with me again in every way that matters.

Please.  Just let him rest.  IMG_0252

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16 thoughts on “The night and how things change~

  1. My dear Alison my heartbreaks as I read this, I find myself sobbing. Prayers go out to you and Chuck for peace of mind, body and spirit. Those words “actively dying”, I remember having that explained to me. Dreading the time when the signs would appear then hoping they would. Wanting peace and freedom for the person I loved so very much. Know that you both are loved and a collective prayer goes up for you both as you travel down this road.

  2. May whatever Gods you believe in hear your prayers and bring both of you peace during and after Chuck’s final journey. May you feel your husbands loving arms and spirit surround you all the rest of your days.

  3. Alison, I am so sorry that you are going through this and wish that I lived closer to help you move into this next stage of your life. I am thinking about you and Chuck constantly and admire your courage to keep us all up to date on what is happening. God speed to Chuck and lots of love to you. Kelli

  4. I have so been exactly where you are in your mind right now! Every word on this page I could have written from my own story! I pray for you and I pray that God will answer your prayers! This is no life that Chuck is living! Hang in there! There will be peace soon!

  5. I am so very sorry for your heartbreak.. your story is one of such passionate love for Handsome Husband. I too have been where you are with my 1st husband.. The pain and suffering is more than you want them to go through as well as yourself and family.. Please know that you and Handsome Husband and family are in my prayers and that his suffering will be a short journey… May you always feel his love and warmth all the rest of your days… Prayers going to you ..

  6. I pray that God hears your prayers and ends this agony, you and your husband is going trough! Why it has to be this way, when we send man to the moon, but not able to cure that horrible disease! It has been around it seems Like forever and there is no cure I don’t get it!
    My hearth is aching for both of you, and I don’t even want to imagine what it must be like going trough this for both of you and a family. I pray for a peaceful departure for Handsome Husband. May God bless you both, and answer your prayer.

  7. We are all there with you in spirit and my hope for you both is that you find peace quickly!! Lots of love to you both
    JEnn

  8. Speechless. This all leaves me so speechless and heartbroken. A beautiful love story with a heartbreaking end. It’s unimaginable. I hope Chuck does not linger in untolerable pain. He is so not deserving of that. My love, thoughts and prayers to Alison and her entire family.

  9. it is such a paradox that is created, wanting your person here, yet wanting them to go. The guilt you feel from the relief when it comes, yet knowing that it is best for them. at some point you shift from wanting what you want to wanting what they need…peace. Wishing and praying for peace of mind for you Alison. This is heartbreaking yet uplifting…such a display of love yet such a display of raw emotion over watching someone you love slip away. No matter how you slice it…hard stuff. So Im just praying for you and asking God to shower you with your family in peace. And thankful that you are by your husbands side.

  10. I am so sorry this has happened. It appears from your post that you have accepted the death of Handsome Husband but, has Handsome Husband accepted it. It is part of the acceptance path. Does he know it is ok if he goes? Have you told him? Sometimes our loved ones hang on because of whom and what they are leaving behind. I have observed this numerous times as a former oncology nurse. My heart and prayers to the Beings of the Universe go out to you and your family.

  11. This is the worst part. The part that comes before consciousness slips, while consciousness is still painfully aware of events. You become a clock, ticking off the minutes, timing medications, knowing routines, intensely aware of winding down a loved life. You can only hang on, ride the wave that is close to breaking and falling. Doing, breathing, listening, breathing, talking, breathing. One minute, one hour, one day.

  12. It breaks my heart to read the horrific pain and agony that Chuck is going through. You are such a strong support for him. It touches the soul to read your messages! I grew up in Yorktown with Chuck and I loved to read your travels on fb.. I told Chuck that we had also visited some of the same places. I have to give him one last “poke” as this is something we did often. May God hold you in his hands as you past thru the next stages of life. God bless the entire family thru this difficult time.

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