Handsome Husband is declining rapidly. He slept through much of the day, then woke towards evening, wanting to go to the bathroom. Thing is, he is still able, though wobbly, to get there on his own steam. Or at least, his own steam with the assistance of a wheelchair.
I applaud his determination to do what he can as long as he’s able. Let me just say that watching him fills me with gratitude for the ease with which I’m able to move my body. Just moving his legs from the bed to the floor, swiveling his torso around, can take 1/2 hour. Then he has to gear himself to stand up, bracing himself on his cane-an easy 20 minutes more. Then get into the wheelchair. Once he’s done in the bathroom we reverse the entire thing. Very much a process, with me and whomever else non-medical is around, bracing our feet and watching with hawk eyes to catch him if he falls.
Cancer is destroying his body. I spoke to one of our beautiful nurses here today (she of the cascading locks worthy of being on a romance novel cover) to inquire as to various scenarios under which Handsome Husband might die. His heart still beats strongly. It’s all the other organs shutting down or malfunctioning that will likely cause his death. Tumors bursting internally, kidneys failing, liquid filling his lungs, lung tumors shutting off his breathing…ugly scenarios, every one of them.
His body shakes a lot now, legs and arms. More than trembles-definite shakes. His nervous system is affected by the tumors now. Arms and legs, hands and feet swollen terribly from lymphedema. His back misshapen from the protruding tumor, his belly larger from that tumor. But his sense of humor intact mostly, and at unexpected times. He still likes kissing me, or me kissing him. And I’m taking advantage of that. Soon I’ll be unable to kiss him at all, and I’ll miss that. He’s always been a terrific kisser. Hand behind my neck, pulling me close. I’ve loved his kisses.
Who knows when the end will come for him? Just when you think his body can’t sustain anything more-it does. Each day blends into the next and this is hard on all involved. I saw a quote the other day on the internet and really loved it. It said “We’re all just walking each other home”. That’s what we’re doing here. Walking my Handsome Husband home, not wanting to let go of his hand, but letting go with love and joy, because that’s what must be done.
And along with us are all of you, near and far, in this country and many others. You’re all walking him home with us, and that, folks, makes this small corner of Desert Palms, California, a place of love. Thank you for that~