It was one moment on one commercial on a TV that I stared at blindly. A man and a woman dancing, he holding her close, swirling her about, and catching her again closely to his body. And the thought popped into my head that Handsome Husband and I will never dance together again. The romance is ending. If I’m truthful about it, the romance ended months ago when he started to sicken. Our days became caught up in what we thought were serious aches and pains but ones that could, and would, be addressed. His body hurt so we didn’t dance. Our conversations became about research and solving this puzzle. About vitamin supplements and health food stores. Our healthy relationship took a back seat. Even then I mourned it, as did Handsome Husband. But when you feel as sick as he did, when you are concerned as I was, romance veers off into the horizon. The deep love-always there. The sense of helplessness-always there with it. Missing us-always there, for he and I both.
When we arrived here in Cathedral City, the idea was that Handsome Husband would seek treatment for what we thought was a pinched nerve. He would finally see someone about the fungal infection. He would start getting better. A long road to health, to be sure, but we both had hope. We knew that the time had come to settle down at least temporarily and we were starting that conversation. Reluctantly, but still starting it.
One evening I had Itunes playing on my computer and one of our favorite dancing tunes came on. And Handsome Husband, who was in abject pain, and wearing pajamas, stood up with some difficulty from the couch, took my hand, and I placed my hand on his shoulder, and we danced in the tiny living room. Maybe not with the finesse that we ordinarily would. But still. Until about 1/2 way through the music, he had to stop. His left arm couldn’t be raised to any degree and he was in great pain. He started coughing. And, oh, his words of apology that he couldn’t finish the dance! I’m so sorry, he told me with tears in his eyes. I just can’t do it.
My heart broke at that moment, for him. He’s a man who has been a man’s man, with a heart that is so soft. He loves romance as much as I. He loves us as much as I. He’s always been the lead in our dance as he swirls me around the floor, sometimes teasing me because I forget to allow him the lead. We never just put our arms around each other, standing still and swaying. Oh no. I put my hand on his right shoulder, he put his right arm around my waist, and we actually danced. He would kiss me sometimes, in the middle of our dance, and he always ended it with a dip because I told him right from the first time we danced that I thought that to be the height of romance.
I have already missed being held by him in these last months, and I’m already feeling the pain of that part of us being forever gone in a forever way. Handsome Husband and I had a real romance going. Deep love and strong passion. After 23 years of marriage we were, and are, still madly in love with one another. I’m going to miss us deeply. I’m already feeling that emptiness. Its causing an ache in my heart and soul.