Tiny, tiny, tiny~

I consider today my first full day of, well, I guess for lack of a better word, I have to call it widowhood.  Is there another word for it?  I’ll have to find out, because, honestly, when I say that word, it feels like an Elmer Fudd word.  You know, in the way that he can’t pronounce his “r’s” so that they come out as “w’s”.

Wordplay.  It keeps me distracted.

Last night was my first full night of being alone in forever.  Handsome Husband is dead.  The kids are gone.  People are back in their own lives.  Appropriately so.  And, yes, they are still grieving in their lives for the loss of their friend, their mentor, their lack of him in their lives.  As they will continue to do because there is a huge void in so many lives now.

I had a busy day yesterday, which was good.  Yes, my plan, after the girls left to go back to their lives, was to spend the day under the covers.  That would have been such an easy thing to do and I really did seriously contemplate it.  As it happened, I stripped all the beds, found every towel and bit of linens I could, and did 4 loads of wash, then re-made the beds.  I still need to do vacuuming and other assorted household tasks, but those will happen.

And then I showered and dressed and drove to Indio to seek out the courthouse so that I could get the death certificates that I need.  I had directions but couldn’t find the right street, and my GPS isn’t working due to a short in the cord (new one arriving soon, hopefully).  I didn’t allow myself to be frustrated and just tried to be in the moment of open windows, the sun, and the breeze on my face as I drove what is now my car, not our car, down the highways.

I found a pink dress to wear.  My intent is to surround myself with pink, to wear pink, to drive pink, to think pink.  There is where I find my serenity and peace and sense of happy.   Not that I’m feeling any of that at the moment, but the intent is there, and the action is there.

And then I searched out a local Gilda’s Club, so named in honor and remembrance of Gilda Radnor, who died of ovarian cancer many years ago.  Her husband, Gene Wilder, started these clubs as a way of supporting people with cancer, and their families.  It was hard being on the other side of the table, where I sat with others who were seeking support.  I’ve always been the facilitator.  It was a good reminder for me, as I continue in my role at Tapestries of Hope, of the shock and pain of early grief.

I signed up for a bereavement support group, I met one-on-one with a counselor, I registered for a hypno-meditation class, and got the schedule for Tai Chi and yoga classes.  Rented some comedy to watch.   I made myself reach out when all I want to do is shrink into myself and howl with pain and missing.

I walked into our rental at the end of the day, feeling the emptiness of Handsome Husband not being here.  Organized a bit, talked to my sister who lives in Okinawa and felt better after the talking.  Slept alone.  Felt the emptiness right through to my heart and soul.  It stands ready to annihilate me.  But I won’t let it.

This morning, I cooked an egg for myself.  I didn’t ask Handsome Husband if he would like one also, carefully leaving out the yolk.  Didn’t make his first, adding some onion and hot stuff to it.  I made mine, over-easy and put it on a small plate.  Which sounds awfully pathetic.  And it is.  But I did it, and I ate it. And that’s the first time I cooked for myself and ate something vaguely healthy since all this fucking bullshit began.

Tiny, tiny, steps.



7 thoughts on “Tiny, tiny, tiny~

  1. 😦 ;( 😦 i am so sorry that u r all alone right now. i understand that your family had to go back to their lives, but how sad for u. maybe u need to be alone somewhat? time will tell. please do not hesitiate to reach out when u need something, anything at all. my heart aches for u and i wish i could b there to give u a hug as good as handsome husband always did. 😦 ;( 😦

  2. You don’t know me at all. Can’t even remember how I stumbled onto your blog a few weeks ago, and it doesn’t matter…..at all. I started reading it and have been obsessed with checking on you daily since. Right through the thick of it. Sat in the car reading your post of Chuck’s passing while in the car wash and cried like a baby. Every post I read, is followed by the thoughts of “that could be me”, and “will that be me”, and “OMG, what would I do if that was me”…….and how much I love you for daring to post what you are feeling. Somehow it makes me feel, that if you can do it……then could I face it too? Bookmark this post, hurry, in case I need to refer back to it some day for strength….God forbid. Could I be like you?? Strong, and so selfless?? But more importantly, what can I do now…..right now…..to build a world like yours? A world that seems to go beyond reality and into the spiritual realm. Please know that while you are alone, you really are not alone. I wish you could feel all the love that is sent out to you from this living room, from this keyboard and how much I look forward to your words in your new posts. Please, please don’t stop posting…..for any reason. I can’t be the only one out here who is hanging onto each and every thing you write. Should you ever be tempted to quit, and you can’t bring yourself to do it for yourself, then think of us…..all the people who have gained so much from your sharing. Bless you, and keep you sane…..and feel loved, even from thousands of miles away.
    Janet…….and Randy

  3. I am so sorry for your loss but will be here as you restart your life. If you ever need someone to talk to and help you get back on the road here is my email addy: kivasmyangel@yahoo.com. Shoot me an email anytime. You have touched my heart, my new friend you do not have to do this alone. I am just a click away.

  4. good, little tiny steps alison..especially liked the pink dress piece.
    i see it as a collage..a myriad of stuff..
    i also like the 4 loads of laundry item.
    love you, sweet friend.

  5. Tiny steps is better than no steps. Take all the tiny steps you need to. Nobody expects you to do more than that! Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes! xoxo

  6. I’m sure you are in need of time alone. It’s just something you need to do for yourself. Your children need to get back to their lives too as you start rebuilding yours. Just make sure you continue to go to the support group, yoga, etc. so you’re not alone all the time. Love ya Alison!

  7. How on this blessed earth do you think what you took the initiative to do were “tiny, tiny steps”??? Those steps were monumentally HUGE! And very, very gutsy! So many times, I hear of new widows that can’t get their little butts up out of bed and allow themselves to absolutely WALLOW in self pity! I am so GLAD, repeat that word, G-L-A-D, that you are roaring back with a vengeance! Wear a rainbow of colors; eat wahtever you want, when you want; however, I might back off of all that housework stuff! You need fresh air and new scenery more than less dust on the counters!! Keep up the great, HUGE strides!

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