Into the Unknown~

Handsome Husband is gone.  Gone.  Period.  I’d like to believe, I’d like to think, that he is here with me somehow.  Maybe someday I’ll feel that he is, but, at least for now, I don’t.  It doesn’t matter how many times people tell me that he’s with me in spirit-if I don’t feel that he is, what good does it do me?  So I’m practicing saying the words “He’s gone.  Forever.  Just gone.  And now there’s a life you have to build, without him.”  Those words are incredibly painful-they bite chunks out of me and shred my consciousness. But I need to say them, so that I can shift my perspective.

The very thought of getting in the car and traveling on my own has overwhelmed me.  Not that I physically can’t do it on my own; it’s the emotional toll involved that is so frightening.  I saw it when I left him behind in California.  It made my heart raw with pain in a gut-wrenching way.

Today, I had a revelation-one of those shifts in thinking that seems so obvious once thought about, but remains elusive in its’ commonsensicality until it’s suddenly front and center of the brain and you think “Well, of course!”  (that’s the first exclamation point I’ve used since he died…so some progress of a sort, I suppose).

Here’s the thing.  I’ve been struggling to figure out Handsome Husband’s banking system, hotel awards system, computer system, everything system, and its’ caused panic in me because he did things so differently than I would.  He was exacting (in a very positive way).  He was right on top of things.  All of which made our lives easier, especially with traveling.  But I’m not him and I’ve needed to figure out my own system.  Which I’m doing, slowly.  And it will work for me.  (He’d say, well, of course it will, beautiful!)

My panic in contemplating being on the road on my own figured in the same way.  He did the long-range planning;  mileage, reservations, etc.  He sought out on the map and through research on the internet various places we might like to visit along the way.  We did a lot of hiking through National Parks or places we’d see along the road unexpectedly.  I’ve loved every minute of it.  And the thought of driving as we had, stopping to hike, doing all the things we’ve done together, and doing it on my own, did me in emotionally.  Its’ made me not want to do it, to settle down maybe, because it’s just too painfully emotional to consider.

So, here’s my revelation, which takes us back to the beginning of this blog.  I don’t have to travel the same way!   So simple a realization, isn’t it?   I can do it differently.  I can drive how and where I want.  I don’t have to hike at all unless I’m so inclined.  (And, honestly, I did it mainly because he and I were together, not because it’s a natural inclination of my own).   I can find my own focus for this traveling life.  I can make this my own.  I have to make this my own, because he’s gone and he’s not coming back. Ever.  No matter how much grief and pain I carry in my heart, he won’t be returned to me.  No matter how much I beg….whoever.

This is an exruciatingly  painful step for me in every way.  My plea every night when I lie down to sleep is two words to him.  Find me.

Maybe, by letting go of the notion that any traveling I do must be done in the same way he and I did, maybe by doing that, I can get back on the road again, by myself.

And, maybe, by letting go of how Handsome Husband and I did our traveling and living together, none of which can be continued or repeated, I’ll find him again.

I think I’ll try. 14196_10151928129520400_1185397121_n

 

Advertisements

17 thoughts on “Into the Unknown~

  1. This is a journey ……not a destination . Blessings and comfort to you . Charge ahead and make your own path with great memories of HH. Fly to Maine in August….My dear friend and I are spending a few days there. Then to VT . Both of us have lost our husbands . It sucks ! I read that along the way that you know someone in VT . Its only 4 hours to VT.

  2. One night after my father died, when all of us kids were gone and my mother was alone in the house, she woke suddenly from a sound sleep and was afraid. As she was lying there trying to decide whether to get up and walk the rooms of the house, she felt the weight of my dad’s arm across her body and felt warmth along her back–as though he was there. It has not happened again, but that was when she came to be reassured that he was still with her. I hope that in some way you have that sense. I’m sure the man who shared your life is near in some way.

  3. Hi Alison, Ardie & I are keeping up with all of your blog posts. We admire your strength throughout this whole process. Our thoughts are prayers are with you. We wish you all the best in your present & future endeavors. Best to you, Bev Block Las Vegas, NV area

  4. I love your positive outlook. Naturally it be different, “not necessarily in a good way” but all the same you will be proving to yourself
    that you can do this . It will help you on your
    Healing from this unwanted and painful grief.
    Remember when yor begin your travels, you
    Have Angel Sisters you can call on any time
    You need us 💞💞. Don’t be afraid to test your limits, you are a very strong woman, one
    Who is stronger than you think!! Maybe by the time you start your traveling , you will fee GH presence with you. I will continue to pray that this happens for you♥♥💖🌹 much love and angel hugs from New Jersey.

    • I love your positive outlook. Naturally it be different, “not necessarily in a good way” but all the same you will be proving to yourself that you can do this . It will help you on your Healing from this unwanted and painful grief.
      Remember when yor begin your travels, you
      Have Angel Sisters you can call on any time
      You need us 💞💞. Don’t be afraid to test your limits, you are a very strong woman, one Who is stronger than you think!! Maybe by the time you start your traveling , you will feel HH presence with you. I will continue to pray that this happens for you♥♥💖🌹 much love and angel hugs from New Jersey.

  5. I’m sending a positive affirmation for you today; “I joyfully move on to new levels of experience, all is well”. You sound so strong and ready to take action. Acceptance/action is the last of the stage of grieving, although. But I believe it’s cyclical and for a time we cycle through all of the stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. I wish you deep peace, solace and safety along the way in your new journey.

    • Shelley,
      Thanks for checking in here with me, and I hope that you’ll continue to do so, as I go back out on the road, seeking a new life without Handsome Husband (those words are so hard to write!)

      I couldn’t do this without my community of love~

  6. Such vivid visualizations you paint with your words and your pain that only someone who has gone through what you have gone through can know or write about. I hear a little bit of healing I think, albeit a “little” but that does signify that you are beginning to heal somewhat I believe. Your a strong woman who will find peace and yes happiness again, believe it.

  7. I have been asking the same question of how and in what way I can move forward in life when the path we followed together can never be repeated or recreated…without him… and your expression of the realisation that it has to be different, and the fear that comes with that, is inspirational and hopeful. Best wishes

    • Thank you so much for checking in here with me. It’s a tough road with lots of dark days, as we find our new lives, isn’t it?

      Getting back out on the road without Handsome Husband will be tough-I hope you’ll follow along with me. It’s my friends and family and community who are, who will, get me through this~

  8. Hi- just read your blog- tears rolling… I feel for u.
    Right now/ my husband also makes our travel plans- uses his points/ is organized.
    I feel your pain/ but also see a light in your world of darkness, grief and pain.
    Trust in God with all your heart/
    You are stronger then u know-
    But it will take time/ emotionally & physically this has been a shock to your system-
    Keep going 1 Day at a Time.
    Hugs Hugs
    Kim- part of the SeaLovers group
    We are all here for u- Listening-
    Because HE mattered- And YOU matter-
    Praying for u…,
    Think u r stepping in the right direction…
    One day at a time, 1 foot at a time
    Hugs,
    Kim @ Gigi’s Sea Glass

Talk to me~

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s