My niece is getting married today. I traveled here to just outside of Santa Fe New Mexico to join in with the festivities. More goodbyes began the trip, to our older son Snads, to Arizona, where Handsome Husband and I spent last winter. The lines between him being alive with me and where we were together are thinning, as I begin my travels East. He had made reservations for our time here in NM, attending this wedding together was high on my list of “looking forwards to”.
Most goodbyes entail hellos somewhere else, and it holds true here. My daughter Rae and her husband traveled with me to this most beautiful spot. My niece will be married at The Hacienda, right outside of Santa Fe. The Sangre di Cristos mountains surround us. Last night all branches of the family-Millers, Wilsons, Cronins, Royems, and many of their branches, gathered for dinner, hosted by the groom’s parents. The seating, the feel of it, was close-knit and informal. Many of us were strangers but it didn’t stay that way for long. Young and old mixed freely, new friends were met easily.
Just a quick digression here. Ever since Handsome Husband went into hospice, and I determined the energy that I wanted to have around him, and us, was nothing but love, I have continued to be conscious of my surroundings and whether or not that energy is projected, no matter what situation I might be in.
And here, last night, as we all gathered, yes, that was here. I’m still all over the place emotionally and I choke up easily with my grief. I’m in a safe place here with that grief. I miss Handsome Husband acutely-it feels similar to what I can imagine it would be to have a cheese grater constantly scraping against skin and bone and heart. BUT, what I can also say is that I’m finding what I hoped to find. My grief is strong, but the love around me is equally strong. Love is grief is love is magic is grief is love is magic. It’s here and it surrounded me and immersed me last night and is ongoing today. My siblings who are here, my nephews and nieces, new friends-my heart is wrapped up in the warmth of theirs. And, yes, I miss him miss him miss him. I want to dance with him at the reception, I want to stand on the patio overlooking the beauty of New Mexico and have him wrap his arms around me as it soaks into us. That can’t happen, will never happen again. And I hate it with all that I am.
Again, BUT, there is so much love here that the grief is almost overwhelmed. With all the planning that has gone into this by my sister, her daughter, and other family members, they already, yesterday, created all that is magic here and the wedding itself is icing on the cake.
Love is here, passionately and wonderfully and all encompassing-ly (is that a word?). We are all surrounded, immersed and enveloped.