I picked up Handsome Husband’s sister yesterday so that she can road trip with me to Indiana. She flew into Albuquerque from her home in Washington state. She’d been with us in hospice and is grieving her brother deeply, and her innate kindness led her to offer to drive with me on this, my maiden voyage of being without him.
Life is full of pain right now and I’ve accepted that, even while striving to look beyond it. Or, rather, I’ve striven to let possibilities of happiness exist even as the grief is my baseline. As seems to be the case since HH’s death, the prospect of goodbyes and being on the road on my own, causes anxiety to run through me and such was the case yesterday morning as I faced the farewells with my daughter and son-in-law. Leaving them, leaving Arizona-another step away from the living time with Handsome Husband. We spent last winter in Arizona; that’s where his sickness started becoming pronounced. Our daughter has been with me from beginning to end regarding his cancer and has stood strong, even while grieving with me. So, yes, hard to say goodbye. My sister, mom of my niece who got married and was the reason for me being in Santa Fe, stopped by for a final goodbye and words to cheer me on. She’s been nothing short of all that is love and encouragement. I’ll miss them all.
The short road from one point to another? Yep, as I gazed out at the wide open skies of New Mexico, the pickax hammered away at me. He would have loved this. Driving there alone is perhaps a necessary therapy for me; he’s gone and he’s not coming back. This is my new life.
His sister, D, and I will find our way to Indiana, which is where his mom lives. We’re not rushing but we’re not lingering too much. Today we’ll cross into Texas and stay in Amarillo for the night, maybe check out some Route 66 scenery. I’m not terribly interested in adventuring, honestly, but this is good therapy too, I know. Mini trips with someone else. A way of getting me out there, while having someone with me. Dipping my toes in the pool. And even though I don’t like it, and the grief rises to my gullet constantly, this also is necessary.
We’ve already spent so much time just talking, and that’s good. Grief, starting life again, our memories of his hospice time, family, relationships, anything that comes to mind. This is going to be healing for both of us in so many ways. Handsome Husband would be incredibly happy that she and I are doing this together. Family meant everything to him, and, well… here you go!
And, on a side note: yes, my car is getting looks. How can you miss “Chuck watchin’ Over Me” pink? The server at our table last night asked to take a picture of it. Yes, of course. And, side story on that: I explained to her why the pink and she offered to me that her own husband died just 4 months ago. We shared pictures of our loved ones and thumbs up as we left. And, yes, there goes another moment to put in my heart~