This is the day that has been going to happen since April 21, last Spring, when my Handsome Husband died. During these months I’ve traveled from California to Arizona through the Southwest (with my sister-in-law accompanying me partway thank goodness), to Indiana to New Jersey to New Hampshire and Maine, then to Connecticut and now…well, here I am in New Jersey again, with the day at hand that all of this has led me to. Today I don’t know how many people will converge in Medford New Jersey to honor and remember a good man. A man who blessed my life for 24 years. A man who will live in me with each beat of my heart. A man who loved me. A man whom I loved beyond life itself.
My life is less without you, D. I’m not looking ahead to my new life without you, not only because it doesn’t do any good but because my heart and my mind and my soul are incapable of anything beyond this very moment. Today so many of our friends and family are gathering to remember you and it’s good and right and necessary. The kids and I will be surrounded and immersed in the love they had for you and that they have for us. We have an extraordinarily powerful circle of love in our lives who have brought us through to this day and will carry us through the rest.
I think you would be proud of me, dear heart. I have joy in my heart as my efforts to ensure your legacy pay off. The Patriot Guard Riders as escort-four months ago I’d never heard of them. A piper. An Honor Guard. Friends and family from around the country. Music. Hooping. A short film as tribute. Love. Love. And, yes, more love.
You brought love into my life. You brought passion and taught me to broaden my boundaries. You and I lived and loved and had a joyous love affair for all the years of our marriage, but most especially in the last 4 years as we traveled the country.
The price of love is grief when that love is gone. I miss you with every heart beat and I shudder at the thought of my life without you. In the days and weeks after your death, I begged you to find me. You knew where I was. I had no idea where you were. I still don’t.
Find me today. Take my hand one last time. Let me feel you as we say goodbye. Touch my heart where the love lives still. Help my voice be strong as I welcome those who love you.
Hear the voices of your friends and children as they speak of who you were in their lives. Who you still are, because your spirit is still with them in so many ways. I hope, wherever you are, you do hear them and know that you made a difference on this earth.
I love you I love you I love you. And as much as I love you I miss you I miss you I miss you.
You are my heart beat.