Rubber Meets the Unknown Road~

So, here it is.   Tomorrow my car, named Pink Magic, will take me to Connecticut where I’ll pick up my new T@b trailer which has, in the past weeks since I purchased it, had the trim painted in my signature “Chuck’s Watching Over Me” pink.   On Saturday the hitch will be welded to the undercarriage of my car. The next days after that will be spent learning how to pull it behind my car, maintain it and get acquainted with it.  Yes, I’ll be…camping.

Such an idea was huge  (and unthinkable) prior to Handsome Husband’s death.   It has now gone beyond huge to monumental.  I’ve spent months laying the groundwork for this.  There is nothing I’ve done that hasn’t been thought out thoroughly.  The car.  The trailer.  Painting one all pink.  Painting the trim on the other. There’s a purpose to all of this.   And there is a necessity to all of this.

I cannot in any way envision settling down without Handsome Husband.  The very idea of it causes anxiety to rise up in my throat.  Waking up in one place day after day without him.  No.  Not happening. But how to stay on the road and make it emotionally manageable without him?  Grief is isolating.  Being on the road alone is isolating.   No fucking way can I do it the way he and I did, staying at hotels and military lodging.   Months ago when I started figuring out my new life without him, my mind filled with an image of me in some hotel room in the middle of nowhere America and the emotional overwhelming-ness of it almost did me in.   Me, sitting alone, missing him desperately.   I will not be a country western song.   But I want to, I need to, stay out on the road.   Since the day he died, I’ve known that the way I’m going to best deal with my grief is to meet it head-on out on the road.   I’m going to find him again, out on the road.  It’s where we lived these past 4 years.  It was our adventure, it’s where the closing chapters of our love story happened.   Handsome Husband is going to find me out there too.   I know that.  So, out on the road I go.  The pink car and trailer?  It has brought and will continue to bring, people over to me, forcing me to not isolate, get me talking, keep me connected, make me new friends.

But.  I’m more anxious and overwhelmed than I’ve been since I watched him take his last breath on that hospice bed out in California.   I don’t know how to do this.  I don’t want to do this.  I just know, in spite of the fear, I have to do this.   I’m trying to keep in mind that when he and I set out on the road 4 years ago we didn’t know anything.  It was a whole new life for us and we learned how to live it.   We learned.   I’d like to be excited about all of this. Truly.  But what I want more is my life with him next to me.  A wish that is nothing but a whisper in my heart.

So, I’ll learn how to do this.  I’ll learn how to pull my T@b behind me.  I’ll learn how to measure miles and call for reservations and find the courage to not make reservations and learn to explore again and be adventurous and make a life for myself without him.  I’ll go out there and create such a life that, were he here, he’d stand back and applaud for me.  He’d have that smile of pride on his face that told me that he isn’t at all surprised but he’s glad I discovered what I could do because he knew all along that I had it in me.

Grief is in one bucket, love in the other.   It’s a balancing act and it’s exhausting.  I’m shattered and broken and I miss him with each breath.   But I’m going to do this.  Because he’s out there and he knows I’m going out there and we’ll find each other again.

He promised me he’d be looking for me.   And he never broke a promise to me.

Here I come, D~



10 thoughts on “Rubber Meets the Unknown Road~

  1. Wow..I got goosebumps reading this… You go girl and may the angels escort you to each destination for those divine appointments, orchestrated only for you… oxoxo

  2. Allison,
    Don’t be afraid to ask for help in any campground you may be in. You will find that almost all campers are very friendly and willing to help. Weed thru some of their BS, but ask for help and you will get it, probably from more people than you need. It is a different group of people that camp. Don’t forget to learn how to back it up in a big parking lot first. Take your time when parking and all will be fine. HH will be watching and applauding, every time you do it. You can do it and will do it and will find the peace you need in time. You will not be alone, say Hi, talk with people and most will be fascinated with your story. Looking forward to meeting you some day, don’t forget about the Famcamps on most bases, cheap camping and usually pretty nice, some bad. Search military campgrounds, nice website by a retiree will pop up first. You’ll be fine Lady, go and find Happiness.

  3. Alison I am so inspired by you. I don’t cry a lot but I had a tear in my eye reading your post. You are so inspiring. You are showing the way for others and leading by example. I look forward to following you on your amazing travels and if you ever get to Australia please look me up. We have to meet!

    Much light, love and healing energy on you journey,

    Kev xxxooo

  4. You will be on the road but have you own home that travels with you. Like a turtle, you can pull inside at night, and put your legs out during the day to keep moving.

  5. You are so inspiring ! My hubby and I plan on selling everything and doing the camping thing when he retires, but my fear has always been losing him while doing that. You make me lose that fear and want to spend the rest of my life enjoying it with my hubby doing something we love to do and relaxing. Keep your chin up and carry on. You are very courageous and I’ll be praying for you !

    • Sheila,
      Don’t let that fear hold you back! Chuck and I had 4 amazing years together out on the road. He did it until he couldn’t do it any longer, then had 1 week in the hospital and 3 weeks in hospice. Neither he nor I had any regrets. What I learned in these last 4 years about living simply is what is going to allow me to stay on the road by myself.

      As much grief as I have at his absence, I have all those incredible memories.

      Go for it.
      1/2 of Happily Homeless

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