Remember that old movie? Danny Kaye played the part of a man who dreams the days away, indulging in fantasy. The movie itself didn’t have a good ending. Anyways.
I’ve already had the bad ending with the death of Handsome Husband. Now I’m (however unwillingly, and it’s a lot of unwillingness) creating a new life for myself. And because I’ve always appreciated the power of fantasy, I’m building a scenario for myself as I sit here after the first night in my T@b trailer, imagining myself into a braver setting.
Camping has never been in my vocabulary in any way, including when Handsome Husband and I traveled. When the topic would come up, I’d state most adamantly that I am an anti-camp-ite.
And yet here I sit, at a campground, in a small trailer, having gone outside in my pajamas to take a shower in a nearby building, eaten breakfast perched on a picnic table, preparing to unload my car and organize said trailer.
I’ve decided to have my own fantasy about this new life. It will be changeable and made to fit my needs on any given day but the one I’m working at this moment is picturing myself in a wagon train of the old West, a woman alone, going out to find a new life, having to learn everything from the ground up. How to care for the trailer, how to drive the trailer, how to set up camp, how to live in it most effectively, how to be comfortable both in it and in my new life.
It won’t happen overnight, I know that. I’m overwhelmed with all that I don’t yet know and I need to just be okay with that in the same way that I’ve been letting myself be right where I am with my grieving. It will all happen because that’s how life is.
I’m going to do this. Both because I know I can do it and because Handsome Husband is cheering me on from wherever he is.