What have I done? is what’s on my mind. How is it that, at a time when I’m already immersed in so many internal and external changes, I’ve added more in a huge way?
Last night, at 11:21 pm, it was 6 months since Handsome Husband died. The thought sickens me. We’ve never been apart for this long a time. It really does make me want to throw up. I look in the mirror and have no reaction to the person I see there, feel no relationship to that person staring back at me. A stranger, in the most clichéd way. This person I am now, since his death.
I feel neutered. Not a woman, most especially. Lacking emotion, lacking color. Just a physical being going through the motions. Which saddens me because I have been, for all my life but most certainly in my marriage, a woman who was joyful, who seized life, who lived in the moment, who loved deeply and passionately, and that all seems gone now. I just am. Which isn’t good or bad but does make me sad.
The one emotion I do seem to have is anxiety. About so much and about everything that is new in my life. Which is everything. The hows and whats and whys and must do’s.
I bought a T@b trailer to be my new home on the road. Which I felt I needed to do in order to stay on the road because I can’t imagine, and don’t want to imagine, settling down without Handsome Husband. I’d like to be excited about the adventure of it but if I’m honest about it, I’m not. It’s just what needs to be done in order for my life to be what I need it to be. Let me tell you though, just the logistics of now owning this T@b, and driving it on the road, and parking it, keep me awake.
How do I know what roads I’m not allowed to travel on with this trailer? There’s a GPS I’ve been told about that is specifically for RV/trailers but the cost of one is prohibitive so I need to rely on signs and knowledge that I’ll gain along the way. Hopefully I’ll avoid tickets for doing wrong what I don’t know I’m doing wrong. Tomorrow I’ve got to get to NJ and I know I can’t go on the Garden State Pkwy but I’m not sure what other restrictions I might unknowingly ignore. And how do I get to where I need to go if I don’t go on the Parkway? Will there be signs to redirect me?
I know the height/weight specs but will it fit through the toll booths? (I know it will but I’m anxious nonetheless). It really isn’t a large trailer at all in any case.
It will cost more for gas. That is now my primary expense. It has always been a primary expense, just being on the road with a car, but it will be more now. Which will be okay, and I thought it out beforehand, and the costs will be balanced out by staying at camp sites instead of in hotels/military lodging, but it still plagues me.
Hitching it up, backing it up, getting the routine down for setting it up, packing it up. Anything new takes time to learn, I keep telling myself. I’ll learn it given some time. It’s the time until I learn it that concerns me.
Never mind any of this. I just want my life back. I want the life I had with my husband back. I want him back. Life was less stressful when it was the two of us getting through it, holding onto each other through good times and bad. I had confidence and a surety of getting through life, no matter what. That surety is so, so, gone, now that it’s just me.
I look so normal on the outside, don’t I? My insides are normal, too, considering all that has happened, but there is no serenity on the insides. If you could see my insides, you’d see a person who is t-h-i-s close to the edge. I want to fall apart and scream my rage and my pain to the wide-open skies and then fall to the ground and not rise. I want to sob uncontrollably that this most loving, lovely man has been taken from me. I want to rage at him for leaving me to do this on my own. Which makes no sense, of course, because he didn’t want to leave me and I know leaving me was the most painful part of his leaving. He told me how painful it was to leave me. He fought as hard as he could to stay but the fucking cancer took him anyways.
I wish I cared about anything. More accurately, I wish I wish I cared. This me, who is living in a world without color (yes, in spite of all the pink), is not a me I recognize. I’m doing all these things, these huge things, because I have to make a life. But I’m not present in my body to have feelings about it. I just am and it just is.
Just let me get through this. Let me drive this car, let me pull this T@b, let me learn how to be out there in life without him. Let me find some kind, any kind, of confidence in myself again. Let some of the pain ease just a little so that I can take a breath and not feel cut by glass each time.
I’m doing everything in my power to do what I need to do to get through this. I swear I am. I’m getting up and showing up. I haven’t broken. Whatever Powers-That-Be that are in charge of anything, just please give me some ease. Just a little.