It isn’t easy being around me these days, I fully realize. Or maybe I’m projecting that onto people around me when what I really mean is that it isn’t easy for me to be around me these days.
I cry easily. When I’m not crying, I’m numb with emotional pain. And, at times, physical pain from holding emotional pain in so that I can get through a day and whatever needs to be gotten through. For the last week or so, my neck and shoulders have been in excruciating pain, in a not-wanting-to-turn-my-head to the right, way. Tonight I had dinner with some friends, and tears and agony spilled out because they’re very safe people for me, and what do you know? A good part of that pain is gone. Not completely but, yes, we hold grief in our muscles and tendons and bones, as well as in our heart and soul.
I miss Handsome Husband holistically. My body, my mind, my soul, my every inch of being feels his absence. 6 months in, the reality of it still slams into me on a regular basis. Quite simply, he is missing from me, and I feel it. There are times (frequently) when I can feel the energy of my body straining towards where he used to be, at my right side. Only to find fucking nothingness.
There is no salve for grief. It must be gone through. I feel battered and beaten up and uncertain and in pain and left behind. I get angry at him (go figure), for leaving me behind. Knowing full well that it wasn’t his choice in the least. I know that leaving me was the worst part of dying for him. I know so much, in my head. My heart and soul-it’s a different story all together.
Dear friends reminded me tonight of what he often-times said to them and it holds true for me. It isn’t a matter of what you feel or think, it’s a matter of what you do. And I, they told me, am doing. Doing while shattered, but doing.
Keep suiting up and showing up. That’s what Handsome Husband often said. And I am. And I’ll keep doing that.
But what I want to know is: if I keep suiting up and showing up, will this godforsaken, soul-slicing, heart-ripping, fucking agonizing pain of not having him here with me, at some point I beg of you, not be part of me any longer?