I’ve been on the road since Monday, driving from Connecticut to Key West, Florida, and I’m fully aware already of the shifts and changes inside of me. Which I’m not in a place to celebrate right now. Yet, as Handsome Husband would say to me. Right now it honestly causes me great sadness and adds a layer of grief to my insides.
This traveling that I’m doing is me in my new life. It is in no way reminiscent of my adventures with Handsome Husband which is, yes, what I knowingly set out to do. This is about my new life without him, whether I want it or not, whether I like it or not. Which I don’t. Either want it or like it, that is. On the road from North Carolina, I became aware of a shift that happened in me when I wasn’t looking and it cracked my heart open and grief burst in anew.
I’ve now camped out in my new T@b for a series of nights. I’ve navigated military family campsites successfully. Stumbling at times, but successfully nonetheless. I’ve set up a temporary post office box in my name here in Key West. I’ve driven on unknown roads and learned how to hitch and unhitch my T@b. I’ve spoken to fellow campers and learned new things. I’ve done so much in the last week, never mind the last 7 months since he died.
I know he’d be cheering me on. I know that this is necessary. I know that the already lived life he and I shared on the road prepared me to be on the road on my own. I know all of this. And I grieve anew because I miss him being here with me so much and I grieve that he isn’t here with me to share this. It wouldn’t have happened if he were still alive-we’d likely still be doing what we’d been doing.
Left and right I’m leaning into this new life without him and please don’t tell me that I should be happy or joyful or anything like that. Maybe at some point I’ll find that. Maybe at some point I’ll love the adventure and soak in all of these experiences. Right now I’m just sad that I’m on my own. I miss my husband in my life at the same time that I’m grateful I had him and blessed that I had him. But this isn’t okay with me that he’s dead. It just isn’t okay. It’s life and I know that and I don’t ask why but it makes me angry that he was ripped out of my life and it makes me even angrier when I see other couples together who don’t even (by all appearances) like each other or are neutral to one another and yet they still have each other.
I’m learning and doing and I’ll continue on that path and I’ll by god be successful in it and Handsome Husband would be shaking his head at me and saying yet again how I continue to surprise him with all that I have in me but it is, at the same time, no surprise to him and I’d just smile and tell him to just wait and see what I make of myself in this new fucking life without him because I have to.