Two Roads and I~

Handsome Husband was the one who could tell you where we’d been at any time in the past.  He loved numbers and had a mind that remembered the wheres and whens.  Me, not so much.   Even when I was in current time, I had to stop to recall what state or town we were in.  We’d been in so many that it might take me a minute to place my body where it was.  So don’t ask me where we were last year, or on any particular day.  You could ask him though and he could tell you in detail.  I depended on him for our road history.

As of today I can tell you in minute detail where we were and what was happening last year at this point.   Last year, today, we waved goodbye to our daughter Kamahooptra and her husband, Thrace.  We were headed West, with our ultimate destination being Cathedral City, California.   My heart remembers the thrill of our car steering West on the Carefree Highway.  We saw numerous balloons rising among the clouds of the desert morning. 
IMG_9317
We were driving away from two of our kids and awesome memories made over the winter.  And we were driving away, we hoped, from days spent with him being exhausted and in pain.  Fungal infection, we thought.  A little cough now and again, some pain in his lower back.  Possibly a recurrence of kidney stones or his bad back from a fall while on active duty.  Maybe, we hoped, the worst of that was behind us.

His hand was on my knee and my hand on top of his as we drove towards Las Vegas, with plans to visit an Air Force buddy and his wife, Wayne and Mona.  A sense of adventure always broke through the sadness of goodbyes when we hit the road again.  More than anything, we enjoyed being just us two.

IMG_9323

It was cold, for Arizona.  It was put on my fur vest and arm warmers weather and the skies were icy blue and we were full of plans for the next few months.  This was a new route for us and we were going to soak in the scenery and explore to our heart’s content. We were in love, we had 23 years behind us and a lifetime ahead of us.

And here I am now, at Lackland AFB in San Antonio, Texas, sitting in my T@b trailer, a little over 9 months later.  Handsome Husband’s urn is right near me.  His folded flag, with ID tag hanging from it, is on the shelf directly across from me, which is where I place it when it isn’t riding shotgun.  I made sure he had full military honors at his memorial service in October.  He deserved that, and more.CollzzageI  most definitely remember where he and I were last year at this time.  The next few months will be  months of time-travel for me.  At some point, in normal grief, as the first anniversary of the death of a loved one approaches, the past is re-lived.  With all the emotions that crowd our hearts and minds, it can seem as if we are, in reality, in that time again, except that now we know the end of the story.

It’s hard.  Plain and simple.

I’m on two roads until April 21.  The 2013 road, with my beloved husband in the driver’s seat, knowing that, yes, he was ill, but having no fucking idea that his cancer had returned.  Concerned for him, yes, absolutely, but in spite of it, anticipating our next few months.  Exploring southern California, a return to Arizona for the birth of our grand-baby, a family wedding in Santa Fe, New Mexico in July, and his family reunion in Indiana.  After that-who knew?  The road was open in front of us.  A red Ford Escape carries us West on that road.IMG_9335

And the second road I travel this year, which is just as real.  Parallel roads and I’m on both.  This road is open in front of me, too, as I ride it on my Odyssey of Love for him, scattering his cremains at our favorite places.  Dressed out in my pink armor, riding in PinkMagic.  Grieve for me in pink, he said, smiling.  Not black.  Just not your color, he said.

Scared.  Determined.  Learning.  Hurting.  Grieving.  Determined.  Kicking ass.  Devastated. Missing him.  Wanting him.  Suiting up and showing up.  Fucking determined.  No matter what.

Nothin’ but Love, D.  In my heart, always. Corrllage

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “Two Roads and I~

  1. Hello. Great writing. You have been an inspiration to me. I will let you know specifics in private communica. I always love to see photos of AZ and it is nice to get to know your husband through you. And thank you for being strong enough to be vulnerable enough to share your feelings and thoughts. Karen

  2. I wish I could write my thoughts as well as you do. I feel like I’m living your journey with you, even though mine hasn’t started yet.

    My heart feels for you

    Linda/FL

    • Linda,
      I’ve always wished I was an artist and could paint on canvas, but I just can’t. I love to write, though, so I do. Find a way to express your thoughts for where you are now.

      Life is tough, isn’t it? Art in any form can help us through it~
      alison

  3. Dear Allison, What a strong, vibrant woman you are. You are an inspiration to me. Thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog for the first time. My husband and I both served in the AF at McGuire AFB, NJ, sold our home, moved to Ocala FL, have an RV and travel every summer. Our son & family live in SLC, UT. We will look for you this summer on the road during our journeys! You are in my thoughts and prayers. My husband and I are similar to you and Chuck in that we love being around each other and together!

    • Maggie,
      I love a love story and appreciate hearing about them from other couples. What years did you serve at MAFB? I ask because I’m wondering if you knew my husband-he was there for quite a long time.

      And yes, I hope we see each other out on the road-I’d love to meet you both.

      Stay in touch, Maggie. And thank you both for your service~
      alison

Talk to me~

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s