FWG in Blazing Color~

There is nothing gentle about my life today, or in this last year.  My husband’s death caused a conflagration around me and inside me.  No, that isn’t over-stating it.  The life he and I had, the joy in life that I had, the woman I was with him, disappeared with his final breath.

My anxiety this year has been that, if he were to return (which, yes, I know he can’t and won’t), he wouldn’t recognize me.  In the tiny spaces between my grief has been that fear, believe it or not.  Which just goes to show you how surreal life is in grief.  The possibility of his return is an impossibility, and yet that thought has been front and center frequently.

Because I refuse to hold these thoughts inside to turn toxic, I spoke with our daughter, Kamahooptra, about this worry.  She’s always been quietly wise beyond her years and projects a knowingness about people and love and life and I let the anxiety go after we talked.   She told me what the depths of my heart already knew but I needed to hear spoken aloud by someone else because I couldn’t hear past my grief.

Of course he would recognize me, she said.  How could he not know the deepest core of the woman he loved?  Who I am now is me, laid bare, and he would revel in it.  A friend of mine told me that if Chuck were to come back, he’d do a double take and then bam! just another, deeper, level of love for me.

They’re right and I know it now.  Handsome Husband saw me as no other man has ever seen me.  He saw and loved the essence of me, saw the strength of my spirit better than I.  He looked at me and saw every bit of me and that’s what he connected to as we loved together.

His death stripped me down to my skeleton but that isn’t a bad thing.  And I’m not living life now because he would expect it of me.  I’m living it in the way he knew I would.

When I refer to myself as a FWG (Fucking Warrior Goddess), I don’t do it lightly and I’m not using it as a swear word.  I use it because it’s a powerful word to convey a powerful concept.  I’m living fiercely, with the greatest compassion but no tolerance for bullshit.  I will challenge you and I accept being challenged.  I want nothing but real around me.  If you don’t like me or what I say, tell me to my face.  If you have an issue with me, say it up front.  Don’t pussyfoot around.   Don’t dress up your words for me.  If I don’t like something, I’ll tell you.  If you ask my opinion, I’ll tell you.  If we disagree about something, or have differing perspectives, for god’s sake, let’s talk.  Or argue until its settled.  Whatever.

I’m grieving as fiercely as I loved and I make no apologies to anyone for that.  Grief and Love can, and do, stride hand in hand in me and I suspect they always will.  I’m looking back on this time last year and honoring the sacred passing of the man whose love for me, and mine for him, made me the woman I am now.

Fierce with grief.  Fierce with Love.  Fierce with determination to make something out of my life with him,  Fierce with determination to make every second  count, even through my sense of disconnection and dislocation.  Fiercely determined that the strength of his story, mine with him, our story together, will continue.

How do I see myself today?  With my booted feet planted solidly on this earth, angel wings affixed to my back, my face painted in swirls of color, my heart-broken wide open, roaring my grief and love to the skies.

Do you hear me, D?  Do you hear me?  phozzto





9 thoughts on “FWG in Blazing Color~

  1. Yes I hear you, I am working with this grief and loss. I am reading and trying to understand the things I am feeling. My spirit falters and then revives. I feel like a roller coaster some days. You are so blessed to have your wise family to be with you. My fears of not being able to see the grands again becoming more real each day. They are too busy with activities this weekend for me to be a part of their lives. Yes I am angry, but at his point I am helpless. I hate that feeling. Maybe when they get older they will remember my love for them and try to come and see me. I surely hope so. Aching heart. Finding peace. D

    • Diane,
      It causes heartache when our kids or grands seem unknowing of the love we want to give them. At the ages yours are, with the activities they have, its normal that they prefer that but in the end, they return to the love. Its getting there that can be so tough! Just keep loving them. I’m indeed blessed with our kids and don’t know what I’d have done without them in this past year.

      May we each find peace~

  2. You express everything I feel at this moment. It is uncanny that someone I don’t even know seems to know me best. Keep moving forward, at your own pace, not at the pace others expect to be normal. You are helping me with my grief and I am so thankful for your words.

    • Barbara,
      I read a quote during the time my husband was ill in hospice and it said “We’re all just walking each other home”.

      I believe that to be true for all of us. So, if I’ve been able to contribute in any way to your walk, then I’m humbled~

  3. What an amazing blessing it is to be one’s authentic self! Thank you! When I think of you and your blog I think of the beauty skin on a horse. When a horse has a wound and it heals, it becomes the strongest skin on the horse called beauty skin.

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