Acupuncture and Dancing in the Glittered Sky~

Earlier today I danced with Handsome Husband for the first time since he died a year ago April.

No, I haven’t gone off the deep end but thank you for your concern.

I went for my first acupuncture treatment today in an attempt to find relief from this heart-slicing grief.  Most of the time it feels like concrete weighs down my chest.  Panic is right around the corner at any moment.  I’m surprised, quite honestly, that I’m functioning at all.

The practitioner spoke to me quietly of my grief and my anxiety about needles as she very efficiently slid the needles under my skin and I felt them not at all.  Some in my left foot, some in my right hand, some in my chest, one in my crown chakra in the middle of my forehead.  She said we should focus on my chest /lungs area with my breathing so compromised.

I had no preconceived notions, no expectations of acupuncture.   I didn’t try to clear my mind.  I didn’t try to sleep.  I resolved that I was just going to BE, with no judgement.

About 20 minutes in, I felt pain gather in my chest.  Not in an I’m having a heart attack way but in a wow I really feel a clump of pain in the middle of my chest way.  Almost immediately upon recognizing the feeling, I also felt it dissipate, as if sliding away from the center.  Immediate warmth spread through my veins and I took a breath.  A normal breath, not a forced yoga breath that required intense concentration.  No.  I instinctively took a breath that came from way down in my diaphragm and filled my lungs.  The first one I’ve taken since the oncologist said the words tumors everywhere and we knew we were facing the end of our lives together.

And then zap!  Behind my closed eyes I was spinning and spiraling and circling in a midnight blue sky, stars glittering in every direction, Handsome Husband’s arms around me as he danced me through the galaxies.  And I use the word galaxy very deliberately because that’s the word that came to mind.  We spun slowly together and there was a searing sense of forever felt in my heart.

Collaccge

And then I stood in that same galaxy, only on a precipice, the desert below me, and I raised my arms to the shimmering skies and opened them wide as if offering something and he was there again and we once more swayed together in dance.

Handsome Husband came to this very clinic in 2012 to receive acupuncture to ease what we thought was his systemic fungal infection.  Of course, it was cancer and nothing could have stopped its’ growth.  But what I took away from today, in addition to dancing through the skies with my beloved husband, was comfort that he had, in his time there, had ease from his pain.  He would tell me when he returned to our rental that he’d fall deeply asleep during treatments and I was able to see it today from his perspective.  For me today it was as if the music that played attached itself to the cells of my body and coursed along with the blood in my veins.  I was able to have his experience and ease my heart.

Today wasn’t easy.  Tears were a constant as words and images played through my mind.  Grief was continually present but also present was ease and full breathing.  I’m not certain how those two can co-exist as simply as they did and I won’t over think it.  It just was.   I felt easy with the grief.

I’m an acupuncture convert and could easily become addicted to it.  And I intend to fill that addiction with regular treatments until I return to the road.   The possibility to breathe fully again?  To ease this grief a bit? And maybe, to dance with Handsome Husband again through the filled with shimmering stars skies?

Sign me up.

*Phoenix Community Acupuncture*

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12 thoughts on “Acupuncture and Dancing in the Glittered Sky~

  1. I read your words and can relate so much. I also lost my husband of 40 years to cancer on April 2, 2013, but my life seems to be stuck in a holding pattern. I miss him very much and am lucky to dream of him often, but living without him is unbearable. Why do friends and family keep their distance? Do they not want to be around me because I am nothing without him? I wish I had the fortitude to just pick up and move on. But my life is stuck in the same patterns – get up, feed dogs, go to work, come home, feed dogs, go to bed, repeated day after day. The phone doesn’t ring and my emotions are at the lowest they have been. It’s almost as if the only emotion I feel is no emotion at all. I have to find some purpose in my life but can’t seem to find it. I want my life back the way it was before all the pain and suffering.

    I respect your continued journey without your husband. I sometimes I wish I had the “balls” to do what you are doing.

    I was you the best in your journey and hope that you make your way to Southern California in the near future.

    Barbara

  2. A beautiful description of your dance in handsome husbands arms. I have been experiencing a good bit of grief myself lately and wonder why I fight it and run from it instead of facing it and working through it. I feel once I do it will possibly fade. A sweet friend sent me this quote yesterday and I thought of you:
    “Joy and sorrow are inseparable……together they come and when one sits alone with you…..remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”~ Kahlil Gibran

    Here’s to healing! Tommye

  3. So thankful you have found a release from the awful pain. My thoughts are with you always. I am still working through my grief and still cannot believe he is gone from this earth. Memories difficult at times and then easier at others. As you say, it just is. Blessings on you as you and your daughter heal together. D

  4. Wow! That was totally amazing! I am ecstatic that this happened to you! I will honestly look into doing this to help ease the grief and pain of losing my wonderful husband, Chris! So glad you were able to dance with Happy Husband once again! Wow! Wow! Wow!

  5. Acupuncture is truly amazing. It can induce a feeling of great calm, and it can stir up half buried emotions that clamor for release. Keep going, Alison. This can only help. I recall the tight-chested feeling that seemingly forever to release. It can and does release but it can take a long time.

  6. YES! And congratulations to you! There is something so essential to breathing, more than our existing. When I was this guy, Richard, he transformed my life. I went through serious difficulty breathing, bronchitis, a helluva lot of productive coughing, but at the end of the process I felt like I had a new brain, a new mind. That happened again last year and I, again, felt transformed. And I’ve had similar “in the universe, among the stars” experiences. You are not alone, and you are right.

  7. I see you…thanks for the sharing. Opened my heart to hear of your healing. The song…is written on every prayer of mine…take care of you!

  8. Love is.
    Whether one is ‘here’ and the beloved other ‘there’, love’s bonds continue to wrap us in their golden coils. Sometimes we can feel their love as always, sometimes the pain of our grief can numb us to everything. But our beloved continues in their loving of us as we do them.
    I believe you danced in your beloved husband’s arms among the stars, and he in yours. I am glad for you. I send you a wide embrace of comfort.

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