Expectations…and Revelations

ImageDid you ever have one of those Aha! moments? Well, I did the other day. It didn’t exactly happen all of a sudden; it kind of continued to reveal itself to me as it was happening. It was like a holyshitIcan’tbelieveIamjustnowrealizingthis kind of thing, and it was brilliant. My mom and I were having a discussion about the expectations in grief- the ones we put on ourselves. Here is the story of my epiphany…

As most of us likely do, we compare our grief to the other grievers around us- past or present. My mom has certainly been looking at hers and wondering if she should be “further” along/why she is still grieving so intensely? I have been looking at mine and wondering why I appear to not be grieving more deeply? I loved (love) my dad with every fiber of my being- there is no question about that, so it seemed natural to me that I “should” (there’s that crazy word) be crying more, or angry more, or just overall way more sad than I appear to be. And it’s crazy for either one of us to be questioning these things. We understand that intellectually. But it’s the nature of the beast.

Mydadisinhospice anticipatory grief to my now in full swing grief has ebbed and flowed. However, I strongly recall having moments of absolute peace in my heart even when my dad’s body continued to attack him and I had no idea where that feeling was coming from. I even mentioned it a couple of times to my mom. Just a little more than a year later, and I still am able to get through most days with relative ease. Don’t get me wrong, I am fully capable of dropping to my knees in a puddle on the floor in complete agony and missing-ness, but on the whole there is a peace to my grief. And that’s when the thoughts and words started to connect. The way in which I am grieving speaks to the nature of the relationship I had with my dad. It was calm, relaxed, and moved with ease. As I began to explain this to my mom, I could see a look of deeply rooted knowing move across her face. Of course. It made perfect sense. We began to look at the dynamic of relationship and grief among others who loved my dad, and we continued to see a link.

The scientific community and the metaphysical/spiritual community both know and agree that energy exists- beyond what the human eye can see. And that energy doesn’t die. It adapts, moves, and changes. Yes, my dad died. But the energy that we shared and moved between us didn’t. It had to go somewhere. It just simply took on another form- by way of my grief. I still very much carry the energy of my relationship with my dad. No, it’s not the way I would prefer it to be, but it is there. And that’s some pretty fucking powerful stuff.

So no more judgement. No more comparing. My grief is exactly what it is supposed to be. And yours is exactly what yours is supposed to be. The. End.

*Perhaps a psychology journal will publish my revelation…*

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4 thoughts on “Expectations…and Revelations

  1. Yes, You do understand. This is what I found after my second girlfriend died. It made it easier when my father died. You did explain it correctly.

  2. Finally, it makes sense to me why I am grieving the way I am. I am like you and have not been crying very much and very calm, more so then I thought I should be after losing my husband. But I have always been the crier which is why I thought it was strange.
    THANK YOU!

  3. It is only now that you have this realization, because you were ready to receive it and accept it with gladness. I am so glad you are able to share these things with your Mom, My pink friend. She knew all this before, but was so blocked with grief that she could not receive it. She is now ready. Since the suicide of my Son Brent on March 3 this year, I have been amazed with the strength from that spirit world that is around us. It has held me fast in faith that it will not leave me ever. I am now able to look at a picture of his beautiful face and not fall apart. I have moments still, but because I was so open to receive that strength and peace, It was given to me right away. I know he watches over me and the love connection is there, if not stronger now. I have every confidence that I will look upon that smiling face and see him one day. We don’t have to explain to anyone why or how we grieve unless it will help them in their grief. But it is as it is for each person who has to deal with the experience. Maybe some day I will have answers, then again maybe it won’t be necessary. I am what I am, no excuses. I am setting boundaries to protect my space and it feels good. If there is one thing I learned from my sweet Brent during the 6 weeks he was in my home, it is to be true to yourself and always speak the truth to other. Give your mom a big hug for me and know that I love her special. D

Talk to me~

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