Tearfall

10422966_10153180558170400_2802915918117181945_nIt’s monsoon season in the desert right now. Each day the sky darkens, dense clouds fill the space above, and the rains rush in flooding the streets below. That’s exactly how my emotions built up and poured out of me the other day. I should have expected it, and now that it has happened once, I know it will happen again. I knew going into this trip that there would be hard times, but overall I think the excitement and adventure masked the majority of the challenges ahead. It has been almost 3 weeks on the road and the missing-ness of my husband is beginning to kick into high gear. Questions, wonder, and fears slowly creep into my subconscious- all of which I understand are normal. It is a process of learning to surrender, embrace, and be in the moment because that’s all any of us really have anyway.

It has been interesting observing the similarities and differences between how my mom and I are experiencing this time. We both grieve the missing-ness of our husbands, however, at the end of this trip I can expect to see my husband again. She cannot. I travel roads she and my dad drove with new eyes (mostly) and she relives a time past. We both experience heartbreak. We both crave the arms of the men we love around us. We both long for a different way of having to live through this given moment. Same, yet different, yet same.

We talk honestly and openly with one another. Truly, our relationship is becoming more like two girlfriends rather than just mother and daughter. I hold space for her and she lovingly does the same for me. I am so grateful. And I needed it the other morning. As I sat sobbing in Pink Magic, she sat with me, simply allowing me to have my tears.

There is just so much more to this Nothin’ But Love tour than travel, hula hooping, and living a carefree life for 6 months. To be clear, this is NOT a vacation. At least not the kind one might think of when planning their travels. There are aches and pains, sobs and puffy eyes, time spent away from the man I love, my dad’s cremains behind the passenger seat, and let’s not forget all of the fun electrical issues we have been having with the T@B.

The one major theme that I have taken away from watching my father die and everything that has happened since is that I trust. I trust that everything in life plays out exactly as it is meant to. Sometimes I understand it and sometimes I don’t, or at least not right away anyway. I also believe in and know love. It’s bigger than everything. It’s how I came into this world. It’s how I met my husband. It’s how I made the decision to move into this current adventure. It’s how I will die. But most importantly, it’s how I will LIVE.

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10 thoughts on “Tearfall

  1. Love this…lost my Daddy 5 yrs ago July 1st. Sigh. Hard days. Cleansing ones…wrote your Mom sharing the memorial piece I wrote for him…Im a writer…his memorial pieces are all Ive been able to write in 5 yrs…my heart as a daughter is with you…it is a path I wish no daughter partake upon…yet, the truth is that the depth of our pain…our grief…merely reflects the depth of love and relationship had…and to have THAT, is a good thing. Blessings to ou and your Momma…would be awesome if you were comin thru Chicago. *smiles* Be safe out there…

    • Thank you Gracies. It has definitely been one of the most difficult things I have experienced, but has brought so much love along with it. Sending love to you (and your dad as well) along with many hugs- for there is always a need.

  2. Your last paragraph touch me so much that I copied it to my pages of thought since loosing my Brent to suicide. It is indeed the hardest thing a mother can do. I know this is a journey and with trust and love I will see it through until I see him face to face. Maybe you and Allison don’t believe this way, but in my heart of hearts I do and will believe for you as well. I would like to be there to see the surprise on both your faces when you see that precious man who holds your hearts forever. Peace to you both is my prayers. D

    • Peace and love to you Diane. I can’t even begin to imagine what that was like for you. My heart remains open and I do hope to see my dad again in another life. ❤

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