Words. Phrases. Images. All swirl through my body as a tornado, dipping and weaving in my consciousness, coming from long-forgotten spaces. Voices murmur and rise up and linger in the air around me, dancing fairy dust. I can feel them, though I sense that it isn’t intended for me to reach out and grasp these nebulous thoughts. No, this calls for me only to close my eyes, trust, and sharpen my senses, standing open amidst the delicacy and shimmer of this….yes, magic, I think.
An awareness and awakening is within me in the last few weeks. I’ve been watching dvds through the night, shows and movies chosen randomly to distract me through the night as I waken, only to nod off again. Random. Except maybe not so much. There really has been no rhyme or reason to my viewing choices but scattered throughout all the dialogue skirting the edges of my mind are words and phrases that seem directed specifically to me. Shows with angels, shows of loss, comedy that suddenly flips into intense messages for me, careless words seemingly, except it seems as if they are being spoken through a bullhorn, directly at me.
The words I hear in the night darkness are echoes of the words spoken to me as I’ve traveled this Odyssey of Love for Handsome Husband. Do you know that you are surrounded by angels? one woman said to me. They are all around you. Another said continue whatever it is you’re doing you’re on the right path. Susan, at the very beginning of this, said he wants me to tell you he wouldn’t leave you without a road map. Handsome Husband said to me I will always be with you. Images of the hundreds of people I’ve met on the road leap and bound in my memory. Giving and receiving hugs around the country. Smiles and thumbs up as cars and motorcycles and trucks pass my pink car, towing my pink-trimmed T@b. Notes left on the step to my colorful trailer, wishing me happy trails, accompanied by travel angels, little snacks, and other mementoes.
Have you ever felt chosen? As in, you’re really not in charge of whatever this is and you resist because look at the horrible circumstance that brought you to where you are and you know what? You need to do it anyways and worries and concern about the hows and whys of it can’t interfere because this is, plain and simply, your mission. This has already been laid out for you, so go do it and all will fall into place.
I’ve never gone completely on faith. Ever. Maybe my word for faith is, instead, Love, and that has carried me since Handsome Husband died and it won’t leave me hanging mid-stride, will it? How can it, really?
All I know is that my part in this is suiting up and showing up, keeping my heart open and…driving my rig in whatever direction I’m shown.