Ending the Search~

It’s confusing really.  This grief, I mean.

It takes time.  Don’t rush it.  Allow yourself to be where you are.  You sound like you’re giving up.  It’s your time frame, not anyone else’s.  Just be.  Get busy.  Don’t get too busy.  You need to date.  Don’t date too soon.  

I do it all.  What’s suggested to me, what I think of doing on my own.  I do nothing.  I do everything.  I move.  I maintain stillness.  All in an effort to figure this out.  Or not figure it out.  Or whatever is in between.

So, here I am, days shy of 2 years since my beloved husband died.  I’m going to counseling, where we’re using aural acupuncture and will, in the near future, use EMDR, to assist with the trauma.  Because yes, there’s been trauma.  Not only because of the bullshit that happened when he was in hospice and how it played out in the months after, but, quite simply, because of the intensity of our relationship and the every day of being without him.  As simple as that.

On a daily basis I use St John’s Wort, which is a natural mood enhancer.  Essential oils that assist in release of grief, homeopathic remedies that bring me through those horrible moments that happen 24 hours a day, and intense exercise with the Warrior training program 3 times a week, to help move the grief energy through my body.

And yet…I’ve been told (by professionals and everyday people) that the pain of this particular grief, the grief of missing-ness of one’s spouse (because it is, or can be, hopefully is, such a close, intimate relationship) can last for up to 10 years before there is any true relief, before the memories bring comfort instead of pain.

Here’s my conclusions about grief.  First, it makes no impression on me any longer, the judgements cast by anyone regarding where I am with it or how I’m doing it.  This is my grief, after all, and my body knows what and how I need to do it. Secondly, I suspect that any sort of relief or peace of any semblance will happen in my heart and soul and body only when I come to grips with the idea that the new normal that everyone refers to, means that I just have to accept the fact that this grief will always be present in my blood and heartbeat, as opposed to continually searching for ways and means of being without it entirely.  Of course, if you say any such thing to the public at large they immediately say oh that’s your choice as to whether or not you allow that grief to stay present.  That all sounds very Zen and Buddhist etc and I’m glad for those who seem able to so easily dismiss this depth of emotion, but, hey, whatever each person is able to attain, right?

It’s kind of like being able to say that, in a world that is not in any way okay, and me not being okay within it, I’m okay.  Saying that releases people from feeling obliged to fix this shit.

What I do know for certain.  My life changed forever at 11:21 pm on April 21, 2013 when Handsome Husband died, and I’ll never be okay with his gone-ness.



17 thoughts on “Ending the Search~

  1. We all grieve differently, in pur own way and at our own pace. You are finding your way, and finding people to help you find your way. Be strong, be well, Allison.

  2. I tried to post something to you earlier, and this page was acting oddly, so don’t know if it got to you. I hope it did. My husband has been gone 13+ months, and I feel an odd co-existence in my head….my old life with him and my new one as his widow. Every single thing I do reminds me that he is not here, we are not sharing our life. He shadows me and my new, solo life. I talk to him every day, and feel that he hears me. If we ever meet, I will share some things I don’t want to post publicly. Believing he is there, on some level, comforts me. Love transcends death, the bonds continue, just dofferently. That’s what I believe. It helps. Be well.

    • I hope I can, at some point, find that sense of connection with my husband that you’ve found. It’s almost as agonizing as the grief itself to not feel it.

      There is indeed a sense of co-existence in my head, too. It is almost a physical feeling in my bones~

  3. No, you will NEVER be without this grief! I know I won’t either, but you sound like you are getting to the point where you KNOW that! So that is the first step to continue TRYING to go on with your life! Honestly, with all I have read, I think you are AMAZINGLY STRONG! I applaud you and read all you have written and it has helped me through this abyss, knowing there are like- minded women out there who are dealing with the same shit!

    • Judy,
      Isn’t it funny how one can be seen as strong yet feel so lacking in strength? Which is why it’s so valuable to get feedback from others as we make our way through the muck of grief. So, thank you for touching base here to give me feedback and insight.

      All walking here together, aren’t we?

      • Yes, my Dear! We are! We WILL MAKE IT……..together AND alone! But, we WILL make it! Happiness will look a little different now…….💜

  4. The pain will always be with you but maybe just maybe some day you will make it to a place where it is more bearable than it as been so far, that is my wish for you……

  5. Until this moment after reading Ending the Search, I thought there was something wrong with me. Grief for me will be seven years on May 8th at 4:15 pm. I started thinking that I must sound crazy to my friends and family when I still mention and talk about Jerry. Waking up in the morning is probably the worse, waking up with a feeling of not much purpose in life. Yes, I have sons, I have a beautiful granddaughter and yes I have addiction in my family now and no husband to help me, no husband to talk to or to cry to or to have him put his arms around me and tell me it’s going to be okay. It’s horrible to say because I thought it wasn’t normal until now, I miss Jerry now as much as seven years ago.

    I make no judgment for I know how fucking hard it is to “forget” someone after being with him for 30 years, to “let go” to “move on.” It’s all fucking crazy. You keep doing exactly what you need to do Alison. I know how hard it is and when you have family that makes things even harder, I know about that too.

    I wish I had the right words for you, for me, but I don’t. I am going to be 69 next week and it is getting harder and harder to continue. We all have those good days once in a while, lately I have been dealing with the bad days. I have had friends tell me, why don’t you move? Where the hell am I going alone? What are these fuckers thinking??

    Thanks for your honest words tonight, they made me cry and yes they certainly made me realize that you are out there and we share the gone-ness.

    Take care my friend.

    • Sharon,
      Thank you for your words and for taking the time to engage your heart in writing them. This road is made more bearable in whatever way it can be because I realize others are walking it with me.

      May your heart feel the love left behind for you~

  6. Thinking of you and yes you own your grief and it is your journey! I don’t think I will every be without the grief of losing the love of my life. I wish you the best as you walk once more through your memories of that day of your loss. I didn’t know him but he was definitely “handsome husband”! You shared a beautiful love.

  7. What you say makes a lot of sense. Been ten years for me since the loss of who I feel was the love of my life. Very intense missing him for 4 years. Keeping busy was my key. Will always miss him but it is less painful. Ten years of learning my worth alone and I am strong and happy. I wish you all the best!

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