It’s confusing really. This grief, I mean.
It takes time. Don’t rush it. Allow yourself to be where you are. You sound like you’re giving up. It’s your time frame, not anyone else’s. Just be. Get busy. Don’t get too busy. You need to date. Don’t date too soon.
I do it all. What’s suggested to me, what I think of doing on my own. I do nothing. I do everything. I move. I maintain stillness. All in an effort to figure this out. Or not figure it out. Or whatever is in between.
So, here I am, days shy of 2 years since my beloved husband died. I’m going to counseling, where we’re using aural acupuncture and will, in the near future, use EMDR, to assist with the trauma. Because yes, there’s been trauma. Not only because of the bullshit that happened when he was in hospice and how it played out in the months after, but, quite simply, because of the intensity of our relationship and the every day of being without him. As simple as that.
On a daily basis I use St John’s Wort, which is a natural mood enhancer. Essential oils that assist in release of grief, homeopathic remedies that bring me through those horrible moments that happen 24 hours a day, and intense exercise with the Warrior training program 3 times a week, to help move the grief energy through my body.
And yet…I’ve been told (by professionals and everyday people) that the pain of this particular grief, the grief of missing-ness of one’s spouse (because it is, or can be, hopefully is, such a close, intimate relationship) can last for up to 10 years before there is any true relief, before the memories bring comfort instead of pain.
Here’s my conclusions about grief. First, it makes no impression on me any longer, the judgements cast by anyone regarding where I am with it or how I’m doing it. This is my grief, after all, and my body knows what and how I need to do it. Secondly, I suspect that any sort of relief or peace of any semblance will happen in my heart and soul and body only when I come to grips with the idea that the new normal that everyone refers to, means that I just have to accept the fact that this grief will always be present in my blood and heartbeat, as opposed to continually searching for ways and means of being without it entirely. Of course, if you say any such thing to the public at large they immediately say oh that’s your choice as to whether or not you allow that grief to stay present. That all sounds very Zen and Buddhist etc and I’m glad for those who seem able to so easily dismiss this depth of emotion, but, hey, whatever each person is able to attain, right?
It’s kind of like being able to say that, in a world that is not in any way okay, and me not being okay within it, I’m okay. Saying that releases people from feeling obliged to fix this shit.
What I do know for certain. My life changed forever at 11:21 pm on April 21, 2013 when Handsome Husband died, and I’ll never be okay with his gone-ness.