Mucking Through~

Where do I belong? My home was with my husband; we spent our last 4 years on the road, with no sticks and bricks to call home.  My heart was with him; it is still with him.  There is no place to call home.  Yes, our kids offer space to me but those spaces aren’t mine.  Their lives, their families, are growing, and I’m so glad for that and it’s right and good.  And it isn’t my life, if you know what I mean (and I know you do).

Nor do I have a fucking clue where my life is going. None of us do, really, if we’re being honest with ourselves. For me, I guess, Chuck’s death showed me the absolute madness of planning life at all.  I knew it anyways, as we all do, and we all know the quote of life is what happens when we’re making other plans. Chuck was a long-range planner by training and he’d have a huge struggle with how I’ve lived life after his death, how I’m living it now.  No plans, just wandering. But then there’s this quote in response Not all who wander are lost.

Being lost implies that we have a destination in mind and I don’t have a destination, so I don’t consider myself lost. I use the word dislocated instead.  Discombobulated.  Disoriented.  It’s a curiosity to me, grief. Death happens, people grieve, time passes and life goes on, all good and appropriate and it’s been so since the first people walked the earth.  It doesn’t seem, however, that there is any real comprehension of the confusion that comes along with the grieving process, that disorientation.  Even with the deaths of my mom and brother years back, I didn’t have the confusion that I have now in my life since Chuck’s death.  I read a quote today from a woman named Heather, also widowed, who wrote The death of a spouse is a total dis-equilibrium of the soul. So, so true, that description. My brain runs non-stop and my emotions run deep; a never-ending clusterfuck.  What is my life now? How do I find meaning in it?  Where do I go from here?

Man has asked these question since the dawn of time, has sought answers to these dark nights of the soul. Where do I belong? What does it all mean?  Where do we go after our worlds burn down around us? Questions that are asked not out of a sense of self-pity but out of a genuine sense of dislocation.

I don’t see my future; I’m really not interested in my future because it means a future without Chuck and there is such a massive amount of pain involved in that knowing-ness.  I hear it from so many, I read it from so many and I know it’s individual to each person but what I hear from almost every widow, what I’ve heard from professionals, is that this widowhood, adjusting to it, figuring it out, can take years. Not that that comes as any big fucking shock to me. I have no sense of myself as a woman, no awareness of my body, no clue about, well, anything any longer.  Which is disconcerting, having had such a strong sense of self for so many years.

Where from here?  I don’t know.  My plan is to leave Connecticut on Monday but that’s pretty much as far as I’ve gotten. This life I have to create without Chuck is on me and I can’t use my kids or anyone else as a default position.  Vague ideas but no plans.  Really, honestly, all I know is that I am standing right here at this moment and it can all change 5 minutes from now so that even my Monday plans don’t happen.

My brain is officially fried.  My heart…it just hurts.  My soul spends most of its’ time wondering and I don’t even know what its’ wondering about-just that it wonders.

So….onwards. Or something.b8c1f259bec9db7918da2045ec11136f


11 thoughts on “Mucking Through~

  1. As one who lost her husband 9 months ago, I totally get what you are feeling. People don’t understand how I feel or what I feel. I wander aimlessly feeling this huge hole in the center of my chest and I am amazed and shocked that everyone else cannot see it. They say not to make major decisions the first year, and I agree with them – I am searching for something that cannot be found. Purchases of items bring me no joy. I am surrounded by family who love me and whom I love, but I feel like a stranger just visiting some long lost relatives, it’s very odd. I know it will take time to adjust to being a widow, but how much time? a year?? 2 years??? 10 years??

    • Janice,
      I’ve heard that warning too about not making major decisions in the first year and sometimes I laugh at it because, well, our lives are blown apart when our husbands die and, frequently, there are nothing but major decisions that must be made. I’ve kind of learned to roll with the punches with all of that and hindsight may prove some of my decisions not to be the best but I’m okay with that too. Yeah, we’re searching for that one thing that is gone, aren’t we, and there’s no way around it. I have no idea when or how any of this changes for us, even in small ways. I’m just glad that there are others walking this with me~

  2. I have been reading your blog since the beginning. I am terribly sorry for your loss. However, you have turned it into a gift for the rest of us that may face such a life changing event. I pray for you, and the new woman you are becoming. Take care of yourself Dear, and know I and others love you, and are praying for you.
    Best wishes,

  3. It’s comforting to know that there are others who feel like half a soul and don’t know what to do about it… Sending love.

      • I always feel as if I am walking around with a 10 inch hole that goes straight through my body where my heart is located. I wonder why people cannot see it and why they don’t comment or question me about it. And then I remember that my clothing hides it from plain sight. I feel it always, nothing can fill the hole, it remains an empty part of me.

        • That’s a perfect description, Janice. I’m continually amazed when people tell me how good I look, because I feel 150 years old, with no light in my eyes, and even with all the numbness, I feel so much pain.

          I don’t know when this glaring emptiness of his absence will shift, or if it will, for either of us. So I guess it’s just important that we hang onto each other~

          • I have a dear friend, also a widow, who has been 5 years without her husband. Although engaged now to another, when I look at them I don’t see joy in her face. I wonder if she is settling for companionship instead of love? I will never get back the life I had once, and neither will you. Our journey needs to take us to new adventures, moving forward. The life we had can never be replaced, and I think those who seek to replace it will always fail. Instead I choose to make a different life and not look for someone to complete me, as I am complete all by myself. I believe this, I just need to find where to begin.

            • Janice, I know that there are many, both men and women, who seek someone out, sometimes anyone, for companionship. I understand why; the loneliness is complete and overwhelming. But I know that I can’t and won’t settle for anything less than another love story. I loved being in my marriage and it made me feel so independent-which is opposite of how I hear so many women speak of it, unfortunately. But I don’t have a frickin’ clue where or how on finding someone, and I’m not in that place in any case. I’m still in love with my husband and I don’t expect that to change. It will have to be an incredible guy who can come into my life and be that person he must be, strong enough and confident enough. Ah well…life is nothing but surprises, right? I hope you stay in touch~

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