When He Smiled at Me~

Sometimes it can be too painful, after a loved one dies, to look at pictures of them.   Not because we don’t want to see their faces and remember back, but because the very act of remembering back is a stark reminder that those times are gone, never to return.

That happens to me when I look at pictures of my beloved husband, Chuck.  It tears into me that those lovely, loving days of being loved by him, of being his special someone…those days are gone, never to return.

And yes, I’m so beyond grateful that I had those years with him.  But that has nothing to do with this grief at his death, or the daily missing-ness of him.

But, even so, I look at pictures of him.  Often.  Even as it causes daggers to my heart and tears choke me.

I look because I know he’s looking at me.

In most of the pictures I have of him, he’s smiling.  And I know that he’s looking directly at the camera…at me…the woman he loved, as I snapped a picture to preserve that particular memory.  So even as the tears come, I smile, because I know he’s looking directly at me, smiling at me with all the love in his heart showing in his eyes as they crinkle, and on his lips.  Sexy smiles, devilish smiles, smiles of love and joy, his eyes glinting at me, sharing secrets that we carried between us. Smiles that conveyed promises of passion and enjoyment for both of us, later on when we’d be alone. Smiles of love.  I half expect him to wink at me from those long ago moments…

I’m the recipient of that smile.  I was the recipient of his smile for 24 years and what a gift it is to me to know that little ol’ me brought such a smile to his face.

I love you, D.  Always.  Collage1Collage2

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7 thoughts on “When He Smiled at Me~

  1. Wow…that post really spoke to me! Just tonight, I passed my husband’s photo on my dresser, that I see every day and nite, thinking how hard it is to see him looking so real, so near and vital looking. Because I also have to remember with a thud, that it’s just a photo, no matter how I can almost ‘feel’ him in it, he’s gone. He left less than 9 months ago and isn’t coming back. It’s in these moments, I find myself saying what I said from the first – ‘you can’t be dead, you just can’t be dead’ because just seeing his picture, he feels so real still.

    • It’s such a clusterfuck of a world since Chuck died, truly. Sometimes I can actually feel that physical clash between my brain saying on one hand “he’s dead”, and my heart crying out “but he can’t be!” and going back and forth in that way. Is it any surprise we feel crazy at times (most of the time). I know where you stand, widow sister, and I wish you and I both were able to stand somewhere else, with the men we loved, and love still, next to us. I thank you for checking in with me here; truly, my support community fuels me in this life. Reaching out to you over the miles with nothin’ but Love~

  2. You speak what my heart feels…I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING YOU SAY…it is like you go into my secret place and read my soul like a diary…
    You are beautiful…
    Chuck is beautuful…
    Your LOVE is beautiful…
    And I ache knowing you share my pain.

  3. I read….. And I cried… This is all so raw for me. My husband of 51 years just passed on Friday. I scream, I cry, and I smile. We were truly best friends. We did everything together. I close my eyes and see him just watching me. I catch him and he smiles. He said he loved watching me, it made him happy. I truly don’t know where to turn. It’ll come, but not yet. Grief is too raw yet.

    • Oh, Gloria…my heart hurts so for you and I wish we could meet and sit and you could talk and talk and talk and tell me of your own beloved husband. I know that now is a time when even breathing is impossible and I’m reaching out to you over the miles. If and when you are so inclined, there is a wonderful group that offers beautiful support for widow/ers, called Soaring Spirits. There is a fb page and a website that offers a forum that allows any of us to reach out in those dark hours of the night when grief can overwhelm us. http://www.SoaringSpirits.org. Meanwhile, please know that I see you and your grief, and you aren’t alone, even though I know that you must feel so very much alone right now~

Talk to me~

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