Sigh…(what people say)….

A friend of long standing, now a former friend for various reasons, recently accused me of dragging my good husband’s name around.  It is quite shameful, she stated.

Followed with I know things about Chuck, indiscretions (regarding women) but it would be unkind to say things about the dead, plus you wouldn’t believe me.

You think?

I only mention this because I guess I’m still floored when people get viscious to suit their own needs, and passively-aggressively attack Chuck, through me.   And, also, because I’m  a storyteller and such obvious dribble is rich in the telling.

Honestly, reading what she wrote immediately struck me as humorous.  I’m stronger now, 4 years later, than I was when a close family member threw similar ugly words at me, not realizing that she really wasn’t maligning me, but a person she claimed to love.  Similar to this latest attempt.

4 years ago, the ugly words sent me to my knees and it took me years to deal with the trauma.  Not the words that were said, because I knew them not to be true (as I know these words not to be true), but because, back then, days after his death, I was raw and on the floor with grief and I allowed her words to get into my bones for a brief second and I thought are those words trueDid I not truly know the man I was married to for 24 years? Because he couldn’t have been who she described, and be the man I  knew.  There was a clanging dissonance between those two images.  The words, by themselves, weren’t what caused trauma for me.  What caused the trauma was the idea that I’d even allowed a nanosecond of doubt, as a result of her words, to creep in, and that made me feel as if I’d betrayed Chuck, which devastated me.

It’s funny, really, how people, claiming to love a person who is now dead, while claiming that of course they’d never slander the dead….do that very thing, in hopes of destroying the one left alive.   Whoa.  Fucked up humans, right?

I guess I didn’t realize the strength that now resides in my bones and my heart and soul, since Chuck’s death.  These latest words only made me shake my head that this person, who knew of the first circumstance, couldn’t even be original;  instead, knowing my reaction the first time, she made an attempt to piggyback, hoping for….I don’t know…that I’d be destroyed once again.

All it did was make me realize my present day strength.  And more, it made me realize the ugliness that can exist in a person’s soul when envy and jealousy take over.   It made me realize that my mom was right, years ago, when she taught me to always consider the source when ugly words get thrown.

Oh, also…that part about dragging my husband’s name around?  I’m not quite certain what was meant by that.  Am I dragging his name through the mud, as she attempted to do?  Besmirch his reputation, as she’s trying to do?

Each day, as I travel this Odyssey, I honor Chuck’s name and I honor the legacy of love that he left behind, not just for me, but for so many others, and there is nothing about that that suggests dragging.  The love story that Chuck and I had is my story, one he left with me.  I own it.

And to those who would say otherwise, my response is the same as it was to the woman who accused me of the same thing early on…

Find your own damn love story.

*Names purposefully left out of this blog.  The names/relationships are un-necessary*







21 thoughts on “Sigh…(what people say)….

  1. Just keep as strong as you are now, as brave as you are now. I can tell you are living life out loud and outrageous, which sounds like it would make your dear husband so proud. My thoughts and blessings go with you. I am hoping to be as brave and strong as you one day…. Alexandra

    • Alexandra, yes, it would make him so very proud. My daughter also told me, with a sense of humor, that he’d go hide away somewhere, if he were still with me, because he just wanted to be retired. You have the strength in you, sweetie, different strengths are called for at different times. And thank you for checking in here with me~nothin’ but Love to you~

  2. Beautiful! I admire your strength. Let us honor the dead and cherish and support the living. As for people who don’t understand, in the words of a dear friend who passed from this world much too soon, “FUCK ‘EM!”

  3. Delete her from your life as fast as you can! What a vile person to try to make you suffer more than you already have! Some people are so insecure in their own relationships that they try to inflict pain on others! I am so sorry, Alison! Much love is being sent to you now and hugs as well! Carry on- wiith love – just as you have been doing, Strong Lady! !

  4. I have followed you for probably a year. Your love is yours and for someone to try and stir that pot up,just sickens me . I have been in situations no where as deeply as your but….I always ask myself ,what was their agenda, so many times its envy ,jealousy and most generally they are always self righteous only for their cause . I love that you realize how strong and deeply you know who you are as a person . I have gained strength from you and your writings. Carry on we have your back! Hugs,P

    • It really is vitally important to realize the source when ugly words are spoken; that the words say much more about the person speaking than anything else. I’m so much stronger than I was, thank goodness. And I’m humbled that my words, any of them, have an impact on you in a strengthening way. Many, many, hugs returned to you, P~

  5. I can’t imagine what it took to wear the “shoes” you’ve had to wear since YOUR CHUCK died. I could only hope & pray someone would love me as much as you love CHUCK. No one knows how you heart beats but you. I’m like you I dont like how we die & it is the end of that person & people move along like we were never here. Yea, yea, I know all about the Bible thing. You go girl! Do your own thing & be proud!!

    • I know, right? Widowhood is a strange land for me, still. Because, for each person who lives it…we must each define it for ourselves. And there are always plenty of people to sit in judgement of how we do it. The part we each need to learn best is that it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. This road is ours to forge. Thank you for checking in with me here, and thank you for your words of encouragement~

  6. Alison, I am so glad she can’t hurt you. You already know the truth and it was the truth that Chuck loved you and only you! She was/is no friend to you, and it’s time for her to move on and away from your life. I have no doubt she will continue to follow your story – ex friends tend to like to stalk for a bit. Continue on you odyssey of love, Chuck’s watching this beautiful warrior goddess he left behind.

    • He’s watching, and applauding wildly, wherever he is, and I know it. I’m well beyond the part where I get taken to my knees when someone wants to speak the ugliness of their own heart, especially when it comes to Chuck. Sending nothin’ but Love to you, Janice, always~

    • The ugliness of the things she said to me, Janice, made me realize, more than ever, that she has a very narrow world view of the many ways to live in this world, and is unable to fathom thinking outside the box. The sad thing is, she didn’t just lose me as a friend, she lost Chuck too, even though he’s dead. But her words showed a total lack of knowing of him in his life. So she lost both of us. Always onwards, Janice~

  7. Hard to comprehend. You loved him more than anyone and even though I did not know Chuck I have to say that from the photos the feeling was mutual. Wishing you nothing but Love. Sorry you lost a friend over this. Not sure if you get the comparison but I have experienced the feeling from this political campaign. It has actually had that same affect on personal relationships. Go figure!

    • My lack of upset-ness at the ending of the friendship made me realize that it’s been dead in the water for some time, really. It’s been pretty one-sided for a long while, and it all just suddenly crystalized in me that it’s been one way for a very long time. And I understand what you mean with your comparison; our world is awfully ugly with this election~

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