Please Refrain~

*The views expressed herein reflect only my views and not that of the management.  They do not identify any one person but are meant to educate those who care to be educated*

We’re  a society that must, at all times, be positive.  We must be upbeat and look to the future with hope.  Anything less is unacceptable.  Right?

What is the proper response when someone tells me you must be positive look on the bright side be grateful?  As this is being said to me, my husband’s cremains are hanging in a small orb around my neck and his wedding ring is on my finger.  On the back of my neck is a tattoo in his memory.  Another one decorates the inside of my left wrist, where his first cancer showed itself.

Do you know that when you tell me these things it negates my grief?  It negates a very real human experience that must be gone through to get through.  And it doesn’t help in the least for me to hear that because what I’m hearing you say is that I must not grieve.  Thankfully, I have the confidence now to realize that what you are actually saying is that you are the one with the problem, that you are ill-equipped to deal with any depth of feeling other than, you know, the good stuff.

It isn’t a matter of being positive any more than it is a matter of being negative.  I don’t place judgements on myself or my grief and I request that you refrain also.  Grief is grief and it is normal and natural and there is no time limit for it. We each grieve our particular relationship and we grieve it as we lived the relationship.

This is not only about me, dear readers.  This is about me and everyone else who grieves.  You don’t need to fix this with empty words.  You can’t fix this with words or anything else.  Grief is an internal unweaving and unraveling and untangling of life as it has been.

But you can sit with.  You can offer a hug.  You can listen.  You can ask questions about the one who died and not be fearful of causing tears.  Sit with the tears, sit with love and receive with love.

This is what you can do.

Thank you.



7 thoughts on “Please Refrain~

  1. Grieving is one thing……….wearing the cremains is something quite different. It is true we all grieve in different ways because all of us are different. You must accept the fact that Chuck is deceased and absolutely NOTHING is going to bring him back. We lost our daughter over 15 years ago…….it is a terrible loss for sure, but we have gone on with our lives. We probably think of her every day and we shall never forget, but if it was to keep us from performing daily activities, etc. then we might as well have gone to the grave with her. LIFE GOES ON.

    • Beverly, I’m not certain what you mean about wearing his cremains being different? Many people wear such jewelry, or jewelry with the finger prints of their loved ones on them. It’s completely normal. I’m very much living and performing daily tasks, and have been now for the 3 1/2 years since Chuck’s death, so, yes, life does go on, I agree. Believe me, I am fully aware that Chuck is dead and not coming back; that reality is something I face each and every day~

  2. Having gone through losing my husband as you have, I find that people just don’t know what to say so on occasion they say inappropriate things in their quest to be sympathetic. I think we just have to realize they’ve just not been there or done that. I wish you all the best in your travels.

  3. Love your point of view on grief. Would you believe I had someone to tell me that I should get on with my life four months after my husband died ? Some people just don’t get it. Some days I’m fine, other days I can barely cope. Wish people would just let me deal with it my way.

  4. Spot On Alison!! I read an article recently about something similar…that all those fluffy things and positive affirmations really do the opposite in our grief journey. It’s okay for it not not be all rainbows and butterflys for shit’s sake! I love that you grieve because you help me and so many others grieve as well. yeah and I’m pretty sure you have accepted that Chuck is dead that nothing can bring him back. You don’t have t “accept” anything. XO

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