Long Live Love~

In the before moments

As you hold tight while trying to let go

Waiting for that last breath

Dreading that last breath

Holding your breath waiting for that last breath

Gasping in your breath as he exhales his last breath

Long Live Love

As you sit and stand and pace and stare

Wondering at this new world of without

With only your breath in it

Where once the two of you breathed the same air

Restless and sleeping but not sleeping til you don’t even know what it is to sleep and wake rested

Long Live Love

As you stumble and fall and get up and fall again

And determination and grit lock your knees and stand you up day after day

While you can’t imagine living

But you aren’t dying even though you don’t understand how you aren’t dying

Because how can you not die of a broken heart

But you somehow keep living

Long Live Love

And birthdays and anniversaries and death days seep into one year and another

And the missing-ness is impossible and unbearable

Yet here you are still

Determined and broken and broken but determined

And all you know to do is let Love be stronger until it becomes bigger

Long Live Love

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5 thoughts on “Long Live Love~

  1. I have followed your posts for over a year. Before my husband died (knowing he was going to) I read your pain and cried and wondered how life would be without him. We were married for 43 years. I met him on summer vacation after I graduated high school and we were married in a month. We had our ups and downs and trials and tribulations. Raised two kids and had a hell of ride. We did it all and thru it all we had great passion, great sex, and a really strong partnership. We learned in 2010 he had a disease that didn’t have survivors. IPF – the only hope would be lung transplant but that turned out to a mythical mirage. I new in my heart of hearts he was not going to make it to a transplant but he thought he would until the last month. Then he got worse fast and had no energy or strength for the fight and asked me to call hospice and went off all his meds which were keeping him alive once he knew Hospice ocould keep him ‘comfortable’ and was gone in a couple of days. I am still not sure which is worse – loosing him or seeing a strong fearless man filled with fear he couldn’t take care of himself let alone the family he had been a backbone to. Today I can handle loosing the sick man but can’t look at the pictures of the healthier, happier bigger than life motorcycle riding hard working hard loving man that had stolen my heart.

    • Your words touch right into my soul and, though each of our experiences were different in how they happened, we have the love of our husbands in common, we have the memory of the strong men they were and how it hurt our hearts to watch what illness and disease did to them. Reaching out to you over the miles, always~

  2. Oh the missingness and loneliness, do they ever end? All through my day, nobody knows how I miss him because I can’t express it with just those words, they do not express the depth of the loss and hollowness. No, I am not me anymore because I was only me with him. I don’t remember a me without him and don’t even want to conceive of that. Do I accept he is gone? Maybe or maybe I still don’t want to really accept it after one year and 25 days. How do we go on and yet nobody know the depth of what we feel? Thank you for expressing and sharing because then I know at least one other person knows.

Talk to me~

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