This Never Ending Story~

Is loneliness the never-ending story of widowhood?
Does it end if we find another chance at Love?
Does the loneliness exist, even then,
Because the loneliness is specific to that person, your person, who died?
Is there ever a moment again
When a widow’s heart feels that lightness of being,
Once felt?
Or is the heaviness, the ache, the sadness of that particular loneliness
A lifetime sentence in the so called new normal?
Because, no matter what I do, where I go, how I push, how I involve myself in life, in relationships with family and friends, no matter how much I join in, engage, power on,
That loneliness doesn’t leave my heart, my soul, or my body.
Counseling and therapy for anxiety and trauma…EMDR, bi-lateral brain stimulation, talk, tapping, retreats, meditation, new environments, connections with others…I’ve done it all, and I continue doing it all…
And…that loneliness that only intensifies as the years pass by.
973 days. 21 hours. 34 seconds. Since Chuck died.
I’m very definitely not the poster widow for getting “over” the grief.
It isn’t the chest slicing grief of the first 3 years, so I guess that’s good, right?
It’s more a sort of numbness, even though I feel so much, which is contradictory, I realize.
I long for him more as the years go by.
My body craves his presence next to me.
It all feels so fucking relentless.
This feeling. And, honestly…life.
I’m doing all the shit and creating beauty around me.
And that default heaviness of my heart and soul is ever present.
Is this the rest of my life, I wonder?
And how can it not be, really?
He’ll always be dead
And missing from me and I’ll always long for him,
Because he isn’t here.
Nor will he ever be here again.
His deadness is relentless.
I want to wake up from this,
And I know I never will.
Will I ever feel the lightness of being again that I felt for 24 years?
Questions and more questions.

11 thoughts on “This Never Ending Story~

  1. I imagine a box, beautifully decorated, where my memory of my Mike resides, and I carry it with me wherever I go. Grief doesn’t end, you never “get over it,” you just try to learn to carry it, and care for it, and not let it weigh you down. Your Chuck is with you whenever you call on him, and visit that place in your heart (the place I imagine as a decorated box); I believe Mike wants me to try to be happy in my memories of him and to move ahead in my life carrying him with me, lightly – if I learned anything from losing him it is that every second on this planet, every breath, is a gift, ephemeral and fleeting. Look up, look around, you are surrounded by amazing creation and you are loved. Wishing you peace and hope and beauty,


    On Thu, Sep 20, 2018, 9:20 PM Happily Homeless is MoonStruck wrote:

    > Happily Homeless is Moonstruck posted: “Is loneliness the never-ending > story of widowhood? Does it end if we find another chance at Love? Does the > loneliness exist, even then, Because the loneliness is specific to that > person, your person, who died? Is there ever a moment again When a widow’s > h” >

    • I do have so much Love in my life, and I’m so grateful for that. As we know, it doesn’t replace our person; the nights are still lonely, and my body and soul reach to where he used to be, only to find nothingness. In this world of mine without him, where nothing is okay because he isn’t here with me, I’m weirdly okay. It’s just what it is…and life continues on…

  2. What ever is holding you back from moving on isn’t for anyone else to know. It seems to me that by now all your activities are really distractions from some healthy self reflection.

    • Nope. I’ve done so much self reflection. I’ve done counseling and therapy and trauma therapy and retreats and meditations; all of which helped and I’m so glad I did them. I’m not being held back from moving this energy; as I feel all of what I feel, I’m also creating a beautiful and colorful life that honors my and Chuck’s Love story. I’ll never stop missing him, or feeling his absence; the concept isn’t even possible. Where there is Love, there is grief, plain and simple. I reflect on what I had with him, what he and I had together, on a daily basis. Counseling, etc, doesn’t remove the aching of my heart; how could it? What it did was help me to understand that I can be all of this AND all of that. Devastated AND magnificent. Missing him AND powerful in the Love that he and I had. It’s never an either/or situation. Once I realized that, it freed me up considerably. The world at large wants us to be all of what they want us to be. I choose to be whatever is real for me~

    • If you truly knew me, and understood what my Odyssey of Love is about, you’d know that all of it, from the beginning, is not distraction at all, but true reflection. I don’t run from that-it defines my Odyssey of Love. Each thing that I do, whether working at renaissance faires and opera camps, writing, upcycling my clothes, talking to others in the widowed community…all of it is about focusing on Love. The Love that Chuck left behind for me, creating a life without him, building a community for myself, and connecting with others. The healthy model of grief isn’t about “moving on” as you say. It’s about integrating loss into our current lives, and making meaning, not only of the death of your loved one, but of the life we live after. It’s unfortunate that grief education, healthy grieving, remains such an unknown for so many. Not through any fault of their own; it isn’t taught. Fortunately, I have a strong network of people in grief education and, believe me, I check in with them frequently~

  3. What you write is heartbreakingly true. We will never feel the same way again. We are missing part of who we are. The dull, empty feeling will never quite completely leave. Alison, the love you have for Chuck is still a living thing. He lives through your love and we know him now, too. For myself, here is how I can continue: I had a pure and wonderful love that should have lasted through my lifetime but didn’t. But I HAD that love. So did you. Do you know how many people have never once experienced what you and Chuck had? Do you know how rarified that kind of love is? So, while I limp along seemingly whole, I realize how lucky I was. You were lucky, too. Where we may differ is that I know Chuck is with you still. He is next to you always. Pie-in-the-sky wistfulness? Maybe. But I think not. Be still. He is there🌸

    Sent from my iPad


    • I have had rare moments where I absolutely felt Chuck near me, and wish the feeling that went through me then, could be with me always. It was a beautiful Love that many don’t experience, as you say. And I’d do it all again, even knowing the outcome, as I know you would, Gayle~

  4. Alison, I have read this every night since you posted. It has been 3,788 days since Jerry died. May 5th 2008 dead. Yes that knife cutting pain isn’t there, only sometimes. The loneliness is overwhelming at times. As I am writing this, it is 3 am. My days and nights haven’t been the same since I don’t have him laying next to me. Yes, I have tried to date. No, I am no longer trying. I have gut wrenching days missing him. You know exactly how I feel. I wish we had the answer’s. Half my world is gone. I pray we all who are widowed find peace and love. ❤

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