Casting a Double-Dare Spell into the Universe~

The mere idea of dipping my feet into the dating scene, no matter how lonely I am at any given point, invokes in me a huge HELL NO! The quantity of nightmare stories I’ve heard from the widowed community about the quality of people in that scene, both male and female and what they’re looking for…no, please. There is, I hear, that 1% chance of meeting someone, that wonderful someone who brings beauty to a lonely life, but that’s not enough to entice me into the quagmire. I’m still in love with Chuck, for one thing, even as my heart is open. That might sound like a contradiction to you…widowhood is filled with contradictions…but I believe that the heart expands to Love, and I can fall in love again, with the perfect man. Having said that, the perfect man would have to materialize in front of me, with immediate recognition in both of our hearts that…THIS.    It saddens me that there are many in the widowed community who feel that their widow experience has left them broken, and finding a person to accept their broken-ness seems impossible.  Honestly, I don’t see myself as broken or damaged at all. On the contrary, my experience shows that I’m good at Love, good at healthy relationships. Yes, I feel life intensely, I’m brought to tears by all that is real in life…reunions, watching people fall in love, commercials, the certain blue of sky out my moon roof, stars lighting up the Universe at night…tears are never far away. I live on a higher adrenalin level than I did prior to Chuck’s death, coming from the realization that life really can, and does, change on a fucking dime. But that doesn’t make me broken; that makes me conscious. Which I was before he died, so only more so, now.
No, I won’t join a dating site. But All Hollows Eve is coming upon us, at the end of this month and the following words are what I will write out on paper for that evening, that I’ll put in a lovely bowl, add bright yellow and orange marigold and chrysanthemum petals, an essential oil…maybe “future”, burn the mix and let the ash ascend into the night skies, chanting a spell all the while. I’m creating a witch hat for the occasion, black but with pink tulle and flowers strewn over it.
This is what I’ll write to the Universe that night…
…I’m a widow of 5 years and 6 months. I live full-time on the road, towing a trailer, and I’ve done this since my husband’s death. The car is pink. My trailer trim is in the same shade of pink. The shade was customized for me, in my husband’s memory, giving me courage to return to the road solo, following his death. I wear a lot of pink. Not a wussy, Barbie pink, but a Fucking Warrior Goddess pink.
I’m a recovered alcoholic of 30+ years and I’m comfortable around alcohol but have no tolerance for drunken behavior. I believe in being present and conscious about life and you can’t do that if you’re drunk and stupid. If you have a prison record, if you’re doing drugs of any kind, don’t bother contacting me. Bless your heart and all that and no judgement but I will not deal with that shit and the emotional fallout that comes with it.
I believe in romance and Love stories, because I had both in my marriage. Which makes me a romantic but not a fool.
I’m 60 years old and my hair is naturally bland dark blonde but I color it regularly in whatever shade strikes my fancy. Also, 60 is a lot younger than it seemed to me when I was in my 30’s.
God, I need to lose a few pounds so if you’re someone who exercises, maybe you’ll inspire me to get back to it. I’m a sporadic exerciser at best. But no gym rats, please. A healthy outlook on fitness is good.
What gives me sex appeal is not because I wear skimpy dresses and heels high enough to turn my ankle and a fully made up face but my strength and determination. My blue eyes show my heart. I know how to love.
I know that Love is an action word. Words are easy. I love the words, but Love must be shown, too. I do both and I expect the same of any man in my life. Tenderness and passion. If you’re the right man, you’ll get it.
My financial stability comes from temporary jobs. I’ve already done the 9-5 thing and temp jobs allow me to stay on the road. So, I’m not rich by any means. I can pay my bills but can’t afford to eat out very often. I’m uncertain how finances play out in the dating scene, or even in a relationship at this later part of my life, but I’m sure it could be figured out.
I’m unique because I’m a kick ass woman. Not aggressive, not a bitch, but assertive as needed. I’m kick ass because I make the decision every day to suit up and show up and show Love, when I’d just as soon stay under the covers.
Here’s how strongly I can love, and what a determined woman I am: I went with my husband as he was cremated, and I’m the one who pressed the switch to open the crematorium doors to admit his body. I did this as a final act of love and service to him.
My taste in music runs to bagpipes, tribal drumming, country western, 50’s rock and roll, chanting, whatever suits my mood. No rap, no heavy metal~
My beloved husband was a passionate man, an educated man, an AF veteran, well-traveled, and he loved me with everything he had. I loved him the same way. I’ll accept nothing less from any other man.
I want a man who is masculine but not macho. I hope you know the difference. I want a man who is romantic but not a weenie. I want a man who shows emotions but doesn’t weep all over the place. I know; it’s confusing. But there you go. Think McGarrett on the new Hawaii 5-0. Or Chin Ho. Yes, they’re fictional characters but the same could almost be said of my husband, because of how he was the perfect mix of all that I adore. Yes, I have very high standards. Bless your heart if that intimidates you.
In the movie “Practical Magic”, Sally creates a wish for a man who doesn’t exist, and sends that wish into the Universe. I’d love to believe that a real man, who is strong and confident in himself, actually exists, but I kind of also believe that my beloved was the last of his kind. You may or may not be man enough to prove that premise wrong.
I’m not at all interested in showmanship, though I do love performance theater.  I’ve got a good b.s. meter. I’ve heard from many of my women friends who date who tell me  that the minute they exchange phone numbers with a guy, they almost immediately begin receiving dick pics via text. Believe me, such pictures DON’T impress me in the least. Show me something real, instead. Show me who YOU are. Use some imagination, for god’s sake. I mean, seriously…who the hell came up with that idea and said yeah, I think I’ll impress this woman I don’t know, with pictures of my dick.  Jesus.
Because I’m a determined and strong woman, which I’ve always been, and more so since my husband’s death, I will accept no less than an equal partner, and be an equal partner in return.
If you’re a widower, please be assured that I am not threatened by your dead wife, any more than I expect you to be threatened by my dead husband. A heart that has known real Love only expands with more Love. I will always talk about my beloved husband, even as I love you deeply, and I fully anticipate that you will speak of your dead wife. If you have her cremains in an urn and you carry them with you, cool. You show me yours and I’ll show you mine. We’ll create a beautiful altar for them both, wherever we are, and each All Hallows Eve, we’ll invoke their names as the veil between their world and ours, thins. Maybe we’ll dance naked around a huge bonfire, with drums beating in the darkness.
If you haven’t been widowed, you need to be strong and confident enough in yourself to know that I’m the woman I am because I was shaped by many beautiful years with my husband. He will always be a part of me and my life and who I am. And because I loved him so passionately, was in Love with him, still am, honestly, that means I can love you just as strongly. Yes, it’s possible to be in love with two men at once. At least, it is when one of them is dead.
*Wimps and fakes need not apply*
I send this out to the Universe from a heart that has been broken and shredded from grief but a heart that believes in the power of Love, but also, with no belief that such a man exists in this realm. So, it’s, you know, a safe cast.
Here you go, Universe, I dare you.
In fact, I double dare you~

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One thought on “Casting a Double-Dare Spell into the Universe~

  1. My dear girl! I have read all your posts over these last few years. I am elated to hear that you are even entertaining the idea of venturing out beyond your widowhood! I have felt and shared your pain. I lost my beloved Chris just 2.5 months before you lost Chuck…….from cancer! I cried, I felt alone, I tried to rebuild my life without him. It was hard, I was supported in my grief by family and friends as you did. I loved my Chris with all my heart and soul. The night before he died….while we were in the hospital prior to being discharged to Hospice, he said to me…..”Judy, you are going to find a new love” (then total hysterical crying on my part) and I said, “but I am about to retire from teaching in a few months and we have so many plans to travel all over the country in our camper! I dont want to go without you.” And he replied, “Judy, younwill meet meet a new love. I WANT that for you. You are about to go on a great journey and I will be watching over you….your Lifeguard for life! ( Chris was a professional Lifeguard and paramedic here in Daytona Beach for 30 years). My heart was broken. We had a Paddleout at the Main Street Bridge and I spread his ashes through a wreath as the guards and friends, on surfboards, encircled me in the middle. It was a gorgeous ceremony and he was such a great guy here at the beach that it made the newspaper. I hadn’t a THOUGHT of anyone new in my life! I busied myself leaving some of Chris’ ashes at all his favorite surf spots: Hawaii, Scotland, Mexico, California and Mexico!
    3 years later, I ventured to my 50th High School reunion in Pittsburgh, PA. I had reconnected with friends on Facebook and wanted to see them again. It was a wonderful weekend……and into my life walked Paul. Quite unexpectedly. Never in a million years was I looking for anything! We met the first night at the cocktail party. Everyone was crowded around looking at our yearbook and trading memories. There were not enough chairs….Paul was seated and I was standing next to him looking at the yearbook too. Before I knew it, he had pulled me down to sit on his knee. I immediately froze….thinking, “holy smokes, I AM A WIDOW and people know that. I cant be doing something like this”! But as I turned to look at him, a feeling came over me, and I swear I heard a voice as clear as day whispering in my ear, “Judy, everything is going to be OK”. WOW!
    I can’t describe the feeling I had at that moment! I felt as though Chris was telling me that this was the guy he spoke about to me that final night of his life! The journey he had spoken of! We ended up visiting all weekend never far from each other. I found out that he lived in San Francisco (I am in FL) and that he was divorced and retired ….also that he had been riding Harleys for 50 years all over the country and on many endurance races! I told him I had never been on a motorcycle! We parted at the end of the weekend, but exchanged contact info.
    Fast forward 3 years! Paul and I have a wonderful long distance relationship which is perfect as we are both so independent and have many acticvities we are i volved in
    . I go there about twice a year and he comes to me when possible for about a month to 6 weeks at a time. We have traveled by motorcycle (yes! I found I absolutely LOVE it!) We have been all through Yellowstone, Grand Tetons, Beartooth in Montana, Yosemite, Kings Canyon, Sequoia National Park, Crater Lake, etc.. We recently returned from a 6 week trip to Alaska and the Arctic Circle (where I buried some of Chris’ ashes! My life will never be without my Chris still guarding over me from his Lifeguard Stand in the sky! My life is renewed, but my love for Chris wont ever die….I have found room in my heart for Paul and I am happy again.
    I have read your your many letters of love and heartache and I am thrilled to see that you may be opening yourself up to a new venture…..I encourage you in that …l.I hope you will find more love and a small place in your heart for that other special someone one day. Chuck would be very happy for you. I KNOW he would!
    Wishing you continued love, Judy

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