It’s monsoon season in the desert right now. Each day the sky darkens, dense clouds fill the space above, and the rains rush in flooding the streets below. That’s exactly how my emotions built up and poured out of me the other day. I should have expected it, and now that it has happened once, I know it will happen again. I knew going into this trip that there would be hard times, but overall I think the excitement and adventure masked the majority of the challenges ahead. It has been almost 3 weeks on the road and the missing-ness of my husband is beginning to kick into high gear. Questions, wonder, and fears slowly creep into my subconscious- all of which I understand are normal. It is a process of learning to surrender, embrace, and be in the moment because that’s all any of us really have anyway.
It has been interesting observing the similarities and differences between how my mom and I are experiencing this time. We both grieve the missing-ness of our husbands, however, at the end of this trip I can expect to see my husband again. She cannot. I travel roads she and my dad drove with new eyes (mostly) and she relives a time past. We both experience heartbreak. We both crave the arms of the men we love around us. We both long for a different way of having to live through this given moment. Same, yet different, yet same.
We talk honestly and openly with one another. Truly, our relationship is becoming more like two girlfriends rather than just mother and daughter. I hold space for her and she lovingly does the same for me. I am so grateful. And I needed it the other morning. As I sat sobbing in Pink Magic, she sat with me, simply allowing me to have my tears.
There is just so much more to this Nothin’ But Love tour than travel, hula hooping, and living a carefree life for 6 months. To be clear, this is NOT a vacation. At least not the kind one might think of when planning their travels. There are aches and pains, sobs and puffy eyes, time spent away from the man I love, my dad’s cremains behind the passenger seat, and let’s not forget all of the fun electrical issues we have been having with the T@B.
The one major theme that I have taken away from watching my father die and everything that has happened since is that I trust. I trust that everything in life plays out exactly as it is meant to. Sometimes I understand it and sometimes I don’t, or at least not right away anyway. I also believe in and know love. It’s bigger than everything. It’s how I came into this world. It’s how I met my husband. It’s how I made the decision to move into this current adventure. It’s how I will die. But most importantly, it’s how I will LIVE.