This Uncertain Terrain~

The landscape of widowhood.

Of grief.

The Alaskan tundra.

The Sahara Desert.

The Australian Outback.

Every side road in between cities and towns.

This parched landscape

Of devastation.

This existence of one where there was once two.

I picture nothingness

In the midst of these tundras and deserts.

Nothingness under bright blue skies and a sun so piercing

It makes me squint my eyes.

The only water available streams from overheated eyes…

The eyes he used to look into, and smile.

Crawling on hands and knees, searching for something familiar,

Aching muscles and shattered self…

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

It’s been a rough day emotionally.

All I want is the life I had with Chuck,

And that life is dead and gone,

Same as he is.

Do you ever get tired of being brave and courageous,

Even though that’s a very real part of you?

I think of myself as Thing One and Thing Two now and wouldn’t a shrink have a field day with that?

I’m that woman with parched throat and hollow self, crawling through the tundra and desert,

And I’m the woman decked out in pink, foraging for hugs so that I don’t lose my sanity,

Keeping the Love front and center, so that I don’t lose my fucking sanity.

I’m Thing One and Thing Two and both are real.

I desperately miss my beloved husband, Chuck.

The longing for him, the yearning for his touch…that’s my desert. My tundra. My Outback.

And I don’t know what to do with any of it.

So, I write this…

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Looking at the Numbers~

Almost 5 years.
5 years without you.
Don’t ask me how I’ve gone 5 years without you.
I don’t know.
Sheer grit and determination.
And a whole lot of the Love that you left behind for me.
It isn’t enough, you know.
Living on memories of your Love for me.
Mine for you.
But it has to be. Enough, I mean.
24 years with you wasn’t enough.
We thought we’d have at least 35, calculating our ages.
We had 24.
23 of those in marriage.
We had 4 years together, living on the road.
Adventuring and loving and bonding more deeply than we’d ever thought possible.
4 years. Our last 4 years.
I spent 3 weeks after your death, alone in that condo in southern California.
And then returned to the road, alone.
It’s almost 5 years now that I’ve been on the road by myself, on my Odyssey of Love.
I’ve been on the road alone longer than we were on the road together
115,000 miles solo.
North, south, east and west.
8 times around the country.
I will never stop missing you,
No matter how many miles behind me,
No matter how many miles in front of me.
I miss you, D.
I just miss you.  2018-03-21

Looks like~

A few posts ago, I posited the question “Should we continue to travel, or settle?

At the time of that wondering, we were in a long-term stay in Phoenix AZ.  It was a wonderful three and a half months there, filled with hiking, dinners, hooping, belly dancing, celebrations-with both family and friends.  (Our younger daughter Kamahooptra and her husband live there, and our older son Snads and his girlfriend).  Loved our time there!  I found my mojo again, which has been sadly absent, between dealing with Handsome Husband’s cancer, his systemic infection, my menopause-basically having the life sucked out of me.  But, its back-hallelujah and yay!  So, Arizona was reallllly good for that.  I spent so much time with Kamahooptra, brainstorming and creating for the business that we’re starting (Moonstruckgatherings.com), and loved every minute of it.  So much so that I got it in my head that just maybe I wanted to stay put, grow some new roots, and put the brakes on our traveling.

Not so fast!  We spent Saturday on the road again, leaving Arizona and pointing our SUV in the direction of Las Vegas, Nevada.  In the process, traveling  along Rt 74 to 60 and then to 93, we meandered through what always thrills me to no end:  IMG_9335IMG_9323IMG_9369This terrain will look stark and dismal, maybe, to those who like green and mountains, and cities and suburbs.  Me?  The very wildness of it feeds my soul and almost hurts my eyes for the beauty.  This West and Southwest stirs me to the depths of my heart.  I love it in every way, and I can’t conceive of not continuing to travel, so that we can see more of it.  Arizona. Nevada.  California next.  At some point, Montana and the Dakotas again.  Wyoming.  The terrain.  The history.  The aching beauty.  The wide-openness.  The skies that go on forever, along with the roads.  No, I’m not ready to settle down.  The thrill is very much there.  It felt so good being  back on the road again and that feeling will be there again tomorrow as we head towards Death Valley.  Wagons west again, folks!

PS.  These last few days have been spent with more members of our tribe; an Air Force buddy of Handsome Husband’s, (Wayne) and his lovely, oh-so-welcoming wife, Mona, and their sons.  Thank you for the welcome, the comfortable bed, the nourishing meals, and the jaunt into Vegas itself to see the scrumptious Chinese New Year decorations at the Bellagio!  IMG_9495IMG_9511