This Full Moon, and Me~

I wrote this on a night when the moon blazed so brightly in the sky…
“I remember, barely now, because it’s been so long, the feel of my hand in Chuck’s. His hand so strong and firm around mine. His hand gave me a feeling of comfort, of protection, of belonging… a sense of order in my Universe.
As the nights grow colder now, as the moon shimmers so very brightly above my upraised face, I remember, sometimes barely now, because it’s been so very long, the strength of Chuck’s arms around me from behind, as we stared up at this same moon, marveling at the beauty of it, transfixed by its’ distance from us, and the might of the Universe around us…
I remember, but softly and uncertainly now, because it’s been so very long. It is all memory now, and Chuck seems so far distant from where I am now, in a way that saddens my heart and causes despair in my soul. As if the tether that bound us together for so long snapped, and he drifted away into space, never to be seen again.
I know that his Love is with me still. I know that my Love for him has only grown, as it would have if he were still here with me. Alive. 
And I know that this isn’t enough, but must be enough, lest my sanity take flight and disappear in the same way that he did in that long ago time of only yesterday. 46667943_1952232871498304_2060287432410005504_n
So I look at that far away golden orb high above me, as it was above us, though I remember barely now, and I wonder…
Do you see me? Do you know of my longing as I wander into long ago memories? Were you really here with me at one time in the hugeness of this space? Did we really exist as two?
And where are you now?”
A friend of Chuck’s, who reached out to me after his death, who is a friend, now, of mine, responded to my post with this…
“I know, because Chuck told me, how he loved you. He felt he must have done something right along his complicated life for God to allow your paths to cross. I always thought it corny for anyone to say that they cherished someone. But Chuck cherished everything about your life together.
Alison, I know the fading memories of the feelings of his touch disturb you. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that chuck is nearer than you think. And as some memories fade, other memories will come to you, like the whisper of his kiss on your cheek.
You will see the twinkle of his eyes at sunrise and sunset. You will swear you hear him calling your name. Don’t think yourself crazy. His words of Love will ride on the breeze. When the darkness threatens to overcome you…whisper his name. He will hear you and you will feel his hugs in your dreams.
I wish you peace, my friend. My prayers follow your journey of Love. You know he left you a roadmap. Just know in your heart that he hasn’t forgotten how to navigate!”
I don’t think I can add anything more to these compassionate, beautiful, words~

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Woman Under Construction

(from Rachael)

10526022_10153196416085400_8522764871573335025_nThe deep orange of the setting sun resonates with me this evening. My soul feels full of many questions, bits of anxiety, and flutters in the pit of my being. I find myself in a state of wonder. It comes most strongly each morning as I stand in the shower- which is no surprise to me as most of my thoughts seem to flow with the flow of the water. Also not surprising is the nervousness that accompanies these words- it’s palpable. These moments cause me to want to hide in a dark space as I try and understand it all. I am unwinding- knowing that there will soon be a time when I unfurl myself completely. It is ridden with excitement, curiosity, and fear of what is to become.

As I write these cryptic words I find it a challenge to fully express what resides in me, but know they must find a way to be written for they are words that my soul intuitively knows. They come through in the quiet noise that I often listen for. The stillness that graces moments of my surrounding chaos causes everything to slow- as if there was a world within a world. I observe these moments with acute awareness. This space is a fantastical world where everything and nothing exists- a place of listening, waiting, and discovery.

I want so desperately to live out loud, more passionately, and more colorfully. These depths are rising to the surface and I sense that they can no longer be ignored. My shift is happening. The flashes and waves are becoming more consistent. My soul is being flooded with a longing for something more…and yet the image conjured in my mind- an image of uprooting everything known for everything unknown leaves a sense of drowning.

And yet…

Things that once seemed incomprehensible flicker with foreign possibility. My roots are digging into the earth for nourishment. My soul burns, gathering courage to live into something wild. I am being stripped naked. I believe that life will continue to nudge me into being the most raw, beautiful, and authentic woman that I am capable of being. I believe that the universe will conspire to make sure I see all of the signs necessary for me to blossom and burst forth in such a way that love is the only way of being.

I am a woman under construction. It’s messy, takes a lot of work, there are multiple layers, and things will shift, crack, and break, but in the end I believe it will be quite a spectacular masterpiece.

Stay tuned…