It seems that my imagination…what goes on in my mind to help me manage this life…has ramped up.
Almost any situation I encounter has a counterpart from various movies I’ve watched over the years.
The big picture of all of this is me in the middle of a romantic comedy.
I’ve always loved watching romcoms.
Chuck used to watch them with me.
Within the big picture romcom, scenes and quotes from other movies interpose themselves.
This past week I headed to Louisville KY to visit a dear friend/wid sis/AF wid/AF veteran. She and I met a few years ago in the 3rd year of my Odyssey of Love, and we’ve maintained our friendship.
I was coming from IN where I’ve been visiting Chuck’s mom.
Part of this story that I want you to know is that I was listening to a playlist that I’d created for my Odyssey of Love from tunes sent to me by a few hundred of the community that follows my Odyssey.
I’d asked them to give me the names of songs their loved one loved, or that they loved together. Or just their favorite tune.
Frickin’ amazing. Really.
And these were the tunes I was listening to a few days ago as I rolled down the backroads of Indiana. Windows open. Tunes blaring. Me singing with them because I’m making a point of doing that. It’s my new challenge. Feel the energy of singing. Which I haven’t done since Chuck’s death a little over 6 years ago.
My pink car draws up to a 4 way intersection. Which is a normal thing to come upon on any road across America.
But, as I sat there momentarily, scanning for oncoming traffic, my mind drifted to the movie Castaway, with Tom Hanks. Specifically the end scene where he sits in his truck at a 4 way intersection in the middle of nowhere, looking thoughtfully in each direction.
The movie ends with that. We have no idea except we kind of do which direction he takes.
I turned right, heading to KY. Not a big thing.
Except that, as I made that turn, for the first time since Chuck died 6 years and almost 5 months ago, the thought kind of appeared in my mind that I’m driving into my future…
As my car settled onto the road, into my mind came the scene from Practical Magic where the sister, Jillian, is driving east to help her sister, who’s just been widowed. The scene changes from night to day to night again, as she drives. Open road in front of her.
I considered to myself how I’m way over defending how I widow. Trying to convince people that I’m okay, in the midst of a world that is not at all okay. All the bullshit we hear, you know?
And into my mind came the speech made by the President in Independence Day…
We will not go quietly into the night!
We will not vanish without a fight!
We’re going to live on!
We’re going to survive!
Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!
Here’s the thing.
I’m devastated, living without Chuck. This life isn’t better than the life I had with him.
I’m by god going to continue doing what I do. I drive my Odyssey of Love. I wear pink. I carry Chuck with me in every way possible. I honor him and his memory everyday. I reach out to those I meet in order to create community. I keep my heart open, even in its’ shattered state. I’m not broken. I’m not carrying baggage with me in the sense that I’m emotionally broken. On the contrary, I’m the woman I am because I’ve refused to allow others to dictate how I do this. If, at some point which I honestly don’t believe will ever happen a man comes into my life, he will be strong and confident and sure enough in himself to honor Chuck with me. I know how to love. I’m really good at being in a healthy relationship with a man. Any man would be damn lucky to have me. I’m a fucking warrior goddess.
Love is what fuels this life of mine. The Love left for me by Chuck. The Love I’ve created for myself in a nationwide community. All of this right alongside of the pain and devastation.
It isn’t enough.
But it, by god, is what I have and I’m going to keep doing it.
I will not go quietly into the night. I’ve been fighting to survive since 11:25 pm on April 21, 2013.
I’m writing my own script for this movie I’m in~